insecure

     When I feel insecure I can be a complete bitch. As if I want those around me to either feel that themselves, or feel how I’m feeling and make me feel better, unconsciously. Now that I can tap into those times when I feel insecure I’m no longer ignorant to how completely impolite I can be. Those times I feel insecure may spawn from doing something outside of my comfort zone. It may come from starting something new and having expectations that aren’t compatible. It may come from comparing my day 1 to someone’s day 300. It may be a product of self sabotage. Regardless, insecurity shifts my energy and I vibrate lower. I’m emotionally exhausted from staying in a negative headspace and feel disconnected from myself and those around me. Tracing the chain of events that occur that lead me down this negative spiral, I notice it starts and ends with fear. Once fear has taken over the perspective I filter life’s happenings from changes completely; the inner dialogue transforms from curiosity and ambition to self consciousness and frustration. A deadly combo when what you are seeking is fluidity and openness. The self talk is brutal and the distortion of others perception of me makes me shrink even further into myself. Once within this inner cave I truly want to abandon outside stimulation and become completely introverted. While absorbed by my own introversion I assess the evidence that supports staying locked in this negative space and believing the reality this filter portrays.. It is in this negative space that my self love self confidence and grounding evaporate. The negativity becomes a tangible weight that robs me of motivation, paralyzing me from the inside out. Without motivation I slowly slip away from the daily rituals that feed my soul and it is a slippery slope from here. Without daily rituals I don’t have the foundation of daily habits and movement to create the momentum to reach the bigger goals. And without momentum, the bigger goals seem too far away, too impossible. And so I am resigned and bitchy. The work is to notice when insecurity is present, rather than unconsciously projecting that onto others. Pushing those away who feed your soul because your too afraid to be seen in rawness. Rawness doesn’t equal insecure or imperfect, but instead implies you can be vulnerable, it can feel scary, but you can own it.