Breath with Ben Bidwell
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Ben Bidwell
Ben is a Human Potential Coach and Breathwork Practitioner, who helps people create better relationships and live a more fulfilling and purposeful existence. Having been on his own journey from a man unconsciously drawn to "toxic" behaviours, to an awakened & open soul, his work is deeply authentic & relatable. His compassionate heart creates a uniquely safe space for introspection, allowing for deep healing to arise.
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How To Connect With Ben Bidwell
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“quote here” - Ben Bidwell
“quote here” - Ben Bidwell
Transcript of the Podcast
[00:00:00] Erika Straub: This is Return to You Podcast with me, your host, Erika Straub. Each week, I'll drop in with thought leaders and soulful healers for expansive conversations on resolving the conflict trauma created between you living and loving directly and intimately. To be fulfilled and satisfied in this lifetime, you have to bring your true self forward.
[00:00:24] But first you gotta ask the question, who am I?
[00:00:34] It is my pleasure, my absolute pleasure to introduce you to Ben Bidwell today. He has held me in some deeply intimate conversations and breathwork sessions, and I'm so excited for you to experience his wisdom and his authenticity. He is a man that has walked the walk, and you will clearly see that. He is a human potential coach and breathwork practitioner who helps people create better relationships and live a more fulfilling and purposeful existence.
[00:01:04] Having been on his own journey from a man unconsciously drawn to toxic behaviors to an awakened and open soul, his work is deeply authentic and relatable. His compassionate heart creates a uniquely safe space for introspection, allowing for deep healing to arise. You will be changed by this conversation, so let's drop in.
[00:01:25] Thank you Ben so much for being here.
[00:01:28] Ben Bidwell: Oh, Erica, thank you. Thank you for sharing. It's always, um, uh, not a challenge, but you know, receiving that, um, it's always like, oh, you know, you kind of, um, stuff comes up.
[00:01:39] So it's beautiful just to sit and receive and thank you for sharing all that. I appreciate it.
[00:01:43] Erika Straub: Yeah. Thank you so much for being here. I'm really thrilled to drop in with you again, twice in one week feels like a total gift. Thank you. Thank you. My pleasure. See you. Um, what I'm most curious about in kind of starting here is what put you on this path?
[00:01:59] What drew you to this work? To really evolve from an unconscious place to a really open-hearted deep soul person.
[00:02:09] Ben Bidwell: You know, it was totally by accident, Erica. I had no intention. And I really, um, let's say at the age of 30, just before I started going on this journey, I just thought I wasn't, I wasn't that kind of person.
[00:02:20] I thought I was unemotional. I thought I was dead inside. I thought I was just, you know, a man doing his thing. And I really thought that's who I was. Um, and it was really by accident in the sense that I wanted to work on a physical challenge I had. My story is that I always struggled to orgasm from the first time I had sex at 18.
[00:02:38] That was my experience and that was how it was. That's how I lived for 12 years. And um, it was only looking to make changes in that area of my life. I wanted to have different sexual experiences, and I worked with a hemotherapist, and, um, fortunately she didn't, sort of, uh, she would have known, she would have known that I closed myself off, she would have known that I was inauthentic, I wasn't living to my values, and all these things that I can see now.
[00:03:08] But at the time I had no idea. And if she said to me, Ben, we need to connect you to your emotions. We need to open you up. You need to become open, vulnerable, all this kind of stuff. I'd have been like, no, that's not me. I'm not, I'm not looking to do that. I just want the sex bit, you know, give me the tricks and I'll change that.
[00:03:21] I don't want the rest. Um, fortunately she didn't say that to me. Um, I went in believing this was just a physical experience and, um. Obviously it wasn't and she unfolded me from the inside and, um, that was, that was my journey ever since. And what was beautiful is that as I started to open up, I, I, I could sense this is, this does feel right.
[00:03:45] Like I'm glad it feels a bit weird and I'm, I'm judging this and I'm not sure I'm comfortable with it. I'm sure a lot of my friends are wondering what I'm doing, but part of me feels this is right. And so from then on it's just been continuing to listen to that deeper part of me that's like, yes, yes, and let go of the judgment that's like, this is a bit weird, but what's everyone else going to make of this?
[00:04:07] Um, and so it's just been one long journey. I'm 42 now, so 12 years on and it's ongoing, it's ongoing. Yeah.
[00:04:15] Erika Straub: Oh, it's so interesting the things that initiate us into the work and there's, there's always something that has to be deeply motivating to get us into the work. And then it becomes not just about that and something so much bigger.
[00:04:31] And Yeah. Yeah. When you're sharing that, I think about release, like this idea of release. I know for me, and you experienced this with me and the breath work we've done, the release feels terrifying. And I, I just imagining there was some fear or something that came up around this idea of release.
[00:04:54] Ben Bidwell: I'm sure, I'm sure there are so many words that I can associate to it now.
[00:04:57] You're numb. You know, I'd numbed myself to my emotions. That doesn't work very well sexually. Um, I was scared to release, as you say, scared to let go, scared to surrender. I was living very like Caught up, I was in this box of just shoulds and performing, you know, I was trying to be a people pleaser, no doubt.
[00:05:17] It was all about them. I wasn't experiencing anything myself. I wasn't really enjoying sex. There's so many aspects to it. And I was all of them. It's a cocktail of, um, things that were going to lead me to this place. For me now, it makes complete sense, you know? Um, but yeah, at the time I had none.
[00:05:34] Erika Straub: What makes so much sense to you now, 12, 12 years later into this journey.
[00:05:40] Ben Bidwell: Just how numb I was, how inauthentic I was, how disconnected I was. All the, all the cliches that, you know, that we hear people talk about. I was them all. Uh, and I think for many people it shows up in, in different ways. Anxiety, you know, lack of purpose, um, fatigue and burnout, all of this kind of stuff, because it's tiring not living true to yourself, which ultimately is what I'm saying.
[00:06:05] I was never living true to myself. It's, it's exhausting. For whatever reason, maybe Because of the numbing of the emotions and the numbing of my experience, maybe that's how I saw it or how it showed up more strongly for me, it was sexually. Um, but yeah, I think there's a lot of people experiencing similar things, but having a different physical reaction.
[00:06:26] Erika Straub: How we do anything is how we do everything. It's so interesting how it shows up in all these places once we start to face it. Um, I can, I can deeply relate to the numbing and then there being the anxiety piece. on the other side, I find that those really go hand in hand. I'm curious if that was a part of your experience, like numb and anxious and kind of vacillating between those.
[00:06:55] Ben Bidwell: Yeah, I would say it was, but I didn't even know what anxiety was and I didn't understand it. I was so numb to everything. Um, I think the anxiety that I experienced probably for me, I thought was ambition. I thought I just wanted more and I needed more. I needed more women, better women, more money, more holidays, more partying, more of all the stuff that I was chasing.
[00:07:17] And so when there was a sense of like anxiety or anxiousness or emptiness, it was like, well, that's just because I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm ambitious. I want more, not I'm anxious, you know, in hindsight, looking back. Yeah. I think it was, it was that experience.
[00:07:36] Erika Straub: I love how like ambition can kind of cover the anxiety and we can really fall into that and the doing and the more, and when you're talking, it's making me think so much about.
[00:07:48] the pole to the other or the pole to the external to really satiate this and that being almost the to me at least the the opposite of intimacy. And when it's all about the other, we lose intimacy. So I'm really curious, like, through your journey and where you're at now, what is intimacy to you now? What is that?
[00:08:14] What does that mean to you?
[00:08:16] Ben Bidwell: Yeah, you know, it's so interesting, Erika, because, um, I'll get to that in one second, but what I will say is that I experience no intimacy. No intimacy with myself. I didn't know myself. So I, I, how could I, how can you be intimate with something you don't know? Um, I had no idea of my values.
[00:08:30] I had no idea who I really was. I was just acting out. So there was no intimacy. I couldn't offer any intimacy to others. I could be kind. I could be nice, you know, but I could do that ticking box stuff. But in terms of intimacy. There was nothing. So for me now, there's such a drive in my, in my, um, in my whole of my life when it comes to connecting and really wanting to be seen, to be felt, and to see others, and to feel them.
[00:08:59] And so I've gone from someone who didn't know how to let someone in, to really, like, if we're going to connect, you, you gotta let me in. Because I know how empty it felt for me to, to, to not experience that. And now I've experienced it, there's no going back. Like, I need to be let into your heart. I need you to express what it is that you're feeling.
[00:09:18] I need you to be open, to be vulnerable. I need you to let me see all the parts of you. And not to be owned by them. I don't want you to be owned by the experiences that are happening and you're within you that you're unconscious of. I want you to be able to understand them and to be able to communicate them to me.
[00:09:35] So we can sit in that space together and I can do the same with you. And. really take ownership of ourselves and our connection and our experience. That for me is intimacy, letting each other into the depths of the complications of who we are as human beings.
[00:09:50] Erika Straub: Complexities, the complications, the messy, the, the parts that feel unlovable.
[00:09:57] Ben Bidwell: Yeah, yeah, yeah, completely, of which I had so many and I don't want to wait. It's so draining. I'm sure I don't know if you experienced the same thing, but I found it so tiring, so draining performing in that way. And I just wanted to be free, wanted to be me and for people to see that and to accept that.
[00:10:15] Erika Straub: Yeah, I deeply, deeply resonate with that and it was a big part of my journey to like not knowing myself at all. I was not even on the radar in anything. It was, I was so. Other focused and outside focused and like living outside of my body. So there was no way I could connect to my heart or even think about like revealing or being seen because I was all protection, all my protectors were so tightly woven, nobody was getting closer yet there was this deep yearning to get closer.
[00:10:49] And that's been the journey is like unraveling that conflict of like, I have this yearning for intimacy and then all of these. Defenses. against that. And I don't know if that resonates for you, but that conflict has been the deepest part of my personal work and professional work now.
[00:11:10] Ben Bidwell: Completely. Yeah, absolutely.
[00:11:12] Yeah. I don't want to carry any defenses anymore. I don't want to. It just doesn't serve me anymore. And I've come to learn how safe that I am. Um, and I've come to learn that I'm not for everyone. And I've come to be so accepting of that. But I don't want to have to defend myself. I don't want to be defensive.
[00:11:34] I am at times, of course, Erica, I lose it. You know, I'm, this is not, I don't want to paint a picture of perfection. I haven't got this sorted. It's the opposite. I want to like fully sit in the space that I am imperfect. And I want to show you those imperfections. And I want to be able to sit with those imperfections and I want you to be able to do the same.
[00:11:51] It's not about expecting perfection. It's about understanding we are not perfect, but we can talk about and sit in that place of imperfection. And that's beautiful. That's freedom.
[00:12:05] Erika Straub: But I think really comes before that freedom is safety and. I think I tried to bypass safety and just be free. And that very much backfired for me and, you know, led me into really unsafe situations and being an unsafe person for other people.
[00:12:27] So I'm, I'm curious if you can speak into being a safe person because this work you do in the world and to help other men really deeply feel safe and reveal these parts that are so defended against seeing, I'd love to hear more on safety and like what that means and how you develop the sense of safety for other people.
[00:12:51] Ben Bidwell: Yeah, thank you. Yeah, I, you know, I would, um, I believe that safety starts with knowing yourself because I don't feel safe around people who are performing, people who are trying to be something else. It leads me to, there's a complete disconnect there. I just, I can't connect. I can't, I don't want to perform with them.
[00:13:12] I don't want, I don't want to engage. I don't want to dance with that side of them. There's no depth to that for me. So for me, it starts with like that really grounded place of understanding myself and showing up authentically from that place and allowing people to see that that's where I'm coming from and that I'm empowering them to do the same.
[00:13:33] Um, a big part of that I would include is being vulnerable, being open. And that doesn't mean I'm showing up and Sort of giving my, like all my pain and all my, um, you know, like poor me, like, oh, you can do the same and we can just sit in this pity place with each other. It's, it's not about that, but it's, it's really being able to own and sit comfortably with the fact that, again, I'm not perfect, that I'm, I'm, I'm on this journey, just like you and anyone else I'm sitting with.
[00:14:01] We're all on the journey in some capacity in our own way. And to be open about that and to give them permission to not, to not be perfect, to not have it figured out, to not need to perform, to be able to feel whatever they're feeling, to be whoever it is that they are and for us just to meet in that place and that, that's, I think that's how we feel safe when we ultimately, when we don't feel judged and we can feel someone is accepting of who we are, however we show up.
[00:14:30] Erika Straub: Yeah. Yeah. That place of safety really just opened so many channels. And I think when we feel safe, we're really in our bodies, and it's so interesting when you've created that capacity in your body, how being next to someone who's not in their body, you can really feel it, like there's such a visceral, visceral felt to it.
[00:14:54] Sensation of that and it feels at least in my body, like untrustworthy, I can feel times like a, it's like a bait, you know, to, to go into that charming dance with someone that performative dance, but really deeply feeling when that part comes online and like making a conscious choice of this doesn't serve me, this doesn't go to places I want to be in.
[00:15:21] I walk away from those situations feeling empty.
[00:15:25] Ben Bidwell: Yes, that's spent. Yeah, I feel the same, Erica. I feel exactly the same. I, I really feel for me that it's the, the, so much of where this came from is when I went into, um, I had experiences with other people on retreats, personal development courses where, uh, I would be there and I would, I would, I made a commitment to myself before I went that I'd express my truth.
[00:15:49] I would allow however scary it was if there was something there that I didn't. Yeah. Yeah. I felt I wanted to express, I would, I would put my hand up, regardless of the story in my head, regardless of your judgment, I would offer it. And I would do that. And I would see other people in the room do that. And I'd form these connections with these people that I could easily have judged as being different or wrong or like weird or like not my kind of person.
[00:16:14] But suddenly they're opening their heart and I was seeing and starting to understand them in a deeper way. And it didn't matter. What they look like, what their interests were, how they were showing up. I just, I felt some kind of connection to them and I wanted to speak to them more. So I was like, I need to be that too.
[00:16:30] And I started to see that I'd come away from these experiences, feeling more connected to these strangers that I could have judged as being so different to me. And now suddenly feeling like I want to spend time with them and just sit with them and feel them and have these conversations of meaning of depth in a way that I didn't have in my Personal life, otherwise, and when I was experiencing that connection, I was like, now those conversations, those.
[00:16:54] Those, not to, not to judge them, but to give them a label, more surface level, more easy conversations just no longer were appealing to me because I'd had this, these other experiences that impacted me, that I felt. And so I wanted to bring them alive in my real world. And so when someone was speaking to me on the surface level, I'm just, a part of me is like, I don't give a shit.
[00:17:18] I'm not inspired by them. So. And of course they happen in this world and of course, so I can't, I'm not dismissive and rude and like, I don't give a shit in response, but to try and give myself as much depth, you know, to, to, to give that as well as knowing that sometimes I'm going to sit in those conversations and that's life.
[00:17:36] That's the world that we live in. I don't know if that, if you had the same experience or do you felt that too?
[00:17:43] Erika Straub: Yeah, definitely. As you're sharing that what what really came up for me is when I witnessed someone sharing from that vulnerability, which I think is really a skill and a gift and a sense of safety.
[00:17:59] Because I do think there's over sharing, which is not vulnerability to me. So it's really like feeling into that energetic difference of like, what is just like a pouring, spilling, dumping out? And what is like self is online and I'm sharing from that place. But when someone shares from that place, there's an instant connection with them.
[00:18:21] And that connection never goes away. Like it's, it's so truly beautiful, like I'm in awe of those moments. They can happen with strangers, they can happen in containers, and it's just in that moment you just are so deeply connected that nothing else matters, like who they are, their job, like all those details fade away.
[00:18:43] And there's just this, like, I'm here with you in this moment. There's such a deep, like, reverence for someone who goes there, right? Like, just this bow of, like, gratitude and appreciation and respect for, for doing that really courageous thing. So it pulls me in instantly, and it's such an invitation for me to open up and do the same.
[00:19:08] Ben Bidwell: I hear you. As you're saying that, I just, I feel like, you know, what I'm hearing come up for me and my body, and that's so true. It's just like, I s The words, I see you when someone communicates that I see them and there are so many people that I just in my life for so long, I wasn't seeing them. We were just performing together and it had a purpose and it did something, but it wasn't a deep connection.
[00:19:33] Erika Straub: Like not seeing ourselves, not seeing the other, just behind this thick, invisible wall of armor and defenses, just living to me, it's this feeling of living parallel, but never intersecting. There's no penetration happening. It's just this parallel existence and it's. for me was so deeply lonely.
[00:19:57] Ben Bidwell: So lonely.
[00:19:58] So I'm, I'm, I'm with you. I don't know if I knew that it was lonely at the time because it was just all I knew. I didn't know anything else. And that was a big part of my experience is that and what I see in this world. Is that, particularly with men, because they don't know a deeper connection, because they've never experienced that, because they've never been open and vulnerable, they've never seen into someone.
[00:20:20] Maybe they've occasionally seen into someone, and they're like, that's really beautiful. But it's almost like they don't know it's possible in all interactions. You know, or a lot of interaction, let's say, personal interaction, and they just don't know, and they would label themselves as someone who just isn't that, because probably a big part of them feels uncomfortable as that conversation comes alive.
[00:20:41] Part of them is not ready to let itself be seen. It's not, it doesn't know how to engage with themselves in that level. So it feels. And they just take that as, I'm not that person then. I'm not someone who wants to go there. I don't seek that kind of experience. When they do, like you said, you know, you were yearning for, for connection, but the armor was there.
[00:20:59] Same for me. But we just don't know how to get to that, that place. It's, we've never been there.
[00:21:06] Erika Straub: Yeah, the not knowing is a lot to hold and having these needs and not knowing how to vulnerably express them or ask for them. And I don't know about you, but all of the indirect ways I came up with to attempt to get these needs met, um, a lot of crash and burn moments and situations.
[00:21:27] Um, But really clearing out whatever it's been that keeps this so indirect and finding that direct channel has been so liberating and so connecting and so fulfilling for me to just have a channel to have needs and ask for them and also be someone that Someone can come to me and ask something from me.
[00:21:50] That was a big one for me. It was actually someone needing things from me felt deeply triggering.
[00:21:59] Ben Bidwell: Okay. Yeah. Yeah. And I think that that's the beautiful part of this, Erica, is like, your story makes sense to you. You know, that, that's, and that, that's, that, and, and it may not make sense to someone else. And, and we all have that.
[00:22:14] And until we get to know our own stories and our own patterns, then we're going to be acting out these, these, these stories, these learned behaviors, if you like. And they're not going to make sense to, to, to other people. It's only when we can sit with them and we can see them and we're able to vulnerably express and to be able to look at our behavior and to be able to say, Oh, wow.
[00:22:32] Like, Hey, I just, I wanted to share that. You know, how I reacted there was, um, something I wasn't intending to do. And I can see that that came from that wound that I carry. And I'm sorry, because it's not how I'm intending to be. And it's not how I want to connect with you. And it's not how I want to live.
[00:22:50] So can we have the Opportunity to just sit with that and unpack that and so if it comes up again, we can find ourselves in a different place, you know, and how often we don't do that in relationship, but it's so beautiful and we do if we can learn.
[00:23:06] Erika Straub: We can learn that repair. That's what I hear you really speaking life into is, is repair.
[00:23:13] And I'm curious. I don't know if this is you see more in men or women or it's just kind of universal, but this idea of repair, does that show up in your work a lot like helping people learn that process that maybe rupture isn't so catastrophic if the capacity and opportunity to repair is available.
[00:23:37] Ben Bidwell: Yeah, absolutely. Because what we're not looking to do is just avoid conflict, to avoid all this stuff, to pretend or to think that we're going to get it right all the time and to not react and never go into our patterns and to be this enlightened human being together and it's bliss all the way, you know, but that, that, that repairing, but there's so much beauty in that repairing, you know, that we add a new level, a new layer of understanding each other.
[00:24:00] Each time we go through that experience and understand it. Why we acted out how we did or why we got the response that we did, and now we understand each other more deeply. It's like that's, there's so much gold in those moments. I, I really love, um, Brene Brown's work and I, and one of the parts that I love that she expresses is just being able to, to vocalize, um, when we're seeing our patterns in the way that you just say to your partner or your friend or whatever it is, that there's a story in my head.
[00:24:28] So there's a story in my head that. You don't really want to speak to me anymore and you're getting bored of me and, um, you want to move on and do, do something else now or whatever. I don't know. I'm making this up and to be able to create that distance and to be able to recognize it's not my truth. I'm not putting this on you that you want this.
[00:24:45] And then for you to, for them to react in a way, they're like, no, I don't want that. Why are you saying that you're crazy? Like what's going on? It's like. Just to let you know what I'm understanding, what I'm hearing in myself. And I don't know if it's true or not, but I'd love to be able to talk to you about it.
[00:24:59] Can, can we, can we do that and to create that separation from the voices are just some of the most beautiful conversations for me.
[00:25:07] Erika Straub: Yeah, I so resonate with that. And it's, it's so beautiful how communication skills in those moments and witnessing ourselves. And those moments gives us a channel for so much deeper intimacy to be able to not act that out, but to speak to it that I'm noticing this in me.
[00:25:28] This is the story coming up for me. This is the part that's here today. I'm feeling defensive right now. I wonder, I wonder why that, that witnessing and curiosity, but also the language I think creates so much space for intimacy to have these conversations that were once not available are now like right in front of you to step into.
[00:25:53] Ben Bidwell: Yeah, yeah. As a man, you know, it really makes my heart melt if my partner can come to me and to bring her pain or her challenge, particularly around my behavior where I've been unconscious around it and to say like, you know, this is what's coming up for me. And can I talk to you about it? And to let me into what they're experiencing for me to have awareness and understanding to that and for them to soften.
[00:26:22] You know, not to make me wrong, to express that and to allow me the opportunity to, to, to change, to grow, to listen, to understand is, it makes, it melts my heart. You know, I'm like, oh, like, thank you for, for letting me in. But that's a good, that takes a lot of work for me. I know that there's a, there's definitely a period in my life where I would have been defensive or not know how to meet them or feel awkward or try and just change them, fix them without taking any responsibility myself or, you know, all of that stuff.
[00:26:52] To not, to not take it personally. Um, so, yeah. As you
[00:26:56] Erika Straub: were, as you were sharing that, I was like, wow, this, this man has done his work to be able to sit in that space. Like, I so honor you for being able to sit in that space and Be like, I love this. This melts me. This feels like come closer. That's the work, right?
[00:27:14] That's the the reward. I don't know. I don't know if I love that word, but that's like the result of all of this deep inner work is to be able to sit and meet your partner. In that space like that is so sacred and so sacred speaking from a woman when a man can hold that the softening that becomes available and the trust that becomes available, like it's so deeply needed and so deeply respected.
[00:27:42] So I really see you in this moment and just honor you for doing that work.
[00:27:48] Ben Bidwell: Thank you, Erica. Thank you. And you know, I, just to offer this back, or to, to, not to deflect it away from me, but what I do know is that what I need to be able to receive it that way is for it to come from, from a place of softness.
[00:28:03] If it's come from an accusational place that is making me wrong, you know, there is still that part of me that's like, you know, like, hang on a minute, you know, like, um, And I can't meet it. So there is a definitely a dance and I can't sit in this place where I can say I'm, you know, I'm perfect and that however, whatever someone brings to me, I'm just this immaculate.
[00:28:23] I'll hold it and get it. It definitely has to be met. I'd like to think that I can hold it in some capacity, but for me to intimately meet it and to feel like, yes, I want, I want to keep doing this with you. I keep meeting you in this place is if it's coming from. a soft place that's letting me into their heart and for us to meet in that place, not then accusation, you're wrong, you're bad, sort it out, you know, that, that firmness, if you like, then I'm like, now we're going to butt heads.
[00:28:55] Erika Straub: Yeah. Honoring. The woman's work and the feminine work in this too, to be able to meet someone there. Exactly. How do you help people learn this? I feel like this is such an important place for people to learn how to be in these conversations and in these moments and especially for men. How do you show up to help these men really do this, be this for their partners?
[00:29:24] Ben Bidwell: Yeah. Thank you. Yeah. You know, there's a, there's a journey in this, I believe, and you can't just jump bits, you know, there's a, there's a process. And for me, it starts with understanding themselves, like taking a long, hard look at themselves and being deeply honest about how they feel about themselves and how they're showing up in this, in this world.
[00:29:43] And then from there, bringing in compassion, like awareness, like that their wounds were not their fault. You know, but the healing is their responsibility. I always come back to that quote. So to taking ownership that yes, they're, they, they've, they've, this has been their behavior and no one else did it, however, to look at where that came from and to, to, to let go of the shame that is wrapped around it, that keeps it stuck, to be able to soften it, to really bringing in compassion to not only for themselves and their journey and what led them to that place and to make the mistakes that they did and why they are as they are, um, But also to extend that to the people around them as well, who they're then saying, well, it's all very well, but they were acting this way and doing that stuff.
[00:30:27] And it's like, well, yeah, you know, they don't know themselves either. And they're acting out their stuff too, that just like us all to be able to bring compassion and not allow space. Now we've like created some softness around all this, some openness. It's like, Oh, I'm not so much to blame for all of my problems.
[00:30:44] And now we can expand and to let. Men and I love that the male archetype framework, I love that the concept that within every man, there is a warrior, a lover and magician and a king to be able to give them permission to, because we live in this very confusing world for men. And then one hand we're being, we need male leaders, we need strong leaders who are going to guide us out of this in the same time.
[00:31:06] Or we need men to also be very vulnerable and soft and open up and talk about their emotions. And for a lot of men, they're like, well, That sounds completely contradictory. Like, what are you asking for? And it's like, in this confusion, I'll just be what's natural to me. And I'll just do my thing. Cause I can't work out what you're meant to say, what you're asking me to do.
[00:31:25] So inviting men to understand that in vulnerability, we're not telling, we're not asking them to not be a warrior, to lose that warrior aspect. Yes. There's a warrior. within you. A part of you that will get stuff done, focus, determination, that can show up, that can lead, that knows what it is that matters.
[00:31:44] But there is also a lover within you that can soften, that can nourish the relationship, that feels, that experiences the, the, the, the, the beauty, the pain, the challenge, that experiences all of the things that happen, that are happening in this world, that can sit with their emotions. And also this magician that can create and see that there's more opportunity, that, that we aren't.
[00:32:04] all knowing and all empowered. It's, there's more opportunity to grow and create and express more and evolve. Um, and it's then when we can look at all those parts. Now we're stepping into being our king and we can be the warrior when we need to go and get our stuff done and we can be the lover in our relationship with our children and whatever and be the magician we need to create.
[00:32:24] And, um, and all of that lives within every man. So now like with compassion, softness around these rigid structures that we've got as ourselves as a human. Now we've softened them. Now it's like, okay, there's all these parts. So where can I step in? Where am I not stepping up as a magician or as a warrior or as a lover?
[00:32:43] Can I step up more in those areas and expand who I am as a man? And giving themselves permission. I remember for me, just, just knowing. That all those parts lived in me, just gave me permission to be them. And knowing that if I was a lover, it didn't mean I also wasn't a warrior. So now I could be soft and it didn't mean that I wasn't strong.
[00:33:03] You know, knowing that I could be this contrast. So then, and then creating a vision for how we be in our world. How do we be? What's the person that we'd be? From this expanded place of knowing there's more to us. Now we're entirely different person.
[00:33:18] Erika Straub: It sounds like you're really helping men take out these polarizations in their body and system and, and really helping them be a little more fluid in those and dynamic and kind of get out of this rigid box and like what to do with nuance and can I be in the paradox?
[00:33:36] Can I dance in these different spaces?
[00:33:40] Ben Bidwell: Yes, that's my intention. Absolutely. Yeah. And that, and that is what I feel the world is asking for men right now. It is asking us to lead, but it's also asking us to be vulnerable and we need to learn how that's possible because it is.
[00:33:53] Erika Straub: I so deeply empathize with the confusion for men and like the, the mixed messages and how to lead themselves through that.
[00:34:03] Ben Bidwell: Yeah, it's very confusing and know I can, it takes a lot of, um, willingness to, to acknowledge that, um, we can be so much more than we are labeled and that we are told growing up. Um, and being given that permission. I didn't have permission to be all of who I was growing up. I had very, I had permission to be a very small part of who I was as a human if I wanted to thrive as a man, if I wanted to fit accepted.
[00:34:33] And, um, I think there's a lot of men in. You experienced that.
[00:34:37] Erika Straub: I'm, I'm curious for you. What, what part of you was allowed? What part was accepted?
[00:34:45] Ben Bidwell: The warrior, you know, but, but, but not, not a healthy warrior. It's very hard to be a healthy warrior. If you're disconnected to what really matters, if you're disconnected to your senses, you're disconnected to your sensitivity.
[00:34:58] Like, your humanness. It's very hard to be a healthy warrior and you see a lot of men going all in that warrior archetype, but, uh, not in a healthy way because they don't know what really matters to them. And they're going after things that, you know, temptation, um, constantly chasing. Uh, so for me, yeah, the, the, the magician, the lover was completely, like, was there.
[00:35:21] They were always there. I've always been a creative, kind, sensitive, soft man in some capacity, but there was no permission. for me to express that part, um, growing up. It was Rambo, it was James Bond, it was Terminator, it was the 80s for me. You know, they were the men who were thriving. And then I didn't see much evidence of sensitivity, vulnerability in those guys.
[00:35:43] Those
[00:35:45] Erika Straub: were the role models. Those were what we were witnessing on so many levels. I'm, um, I'm really curious about the, the sensitivity piece and being able to drop back into that. And Was breathwork really a modality that helps you do that to help you feel again and feel sensation and be with sensitivity?
[00:36:10] Ben Bidwell: Definitely one of them. Yeah, one of them. Um, because yeah, through Breathwork, I, I, what I experienced was this opening up and just feeling of, of like getting out of my head and all the shoulds and who I'm meant to be and how I'm meant to perform and just this returning to like, well, this is who I am, you know, and there's no denying that I can really feel that into it.
[00:36:33] deeper level right now, and I'm not thinking it, I'm experiencing it, it's there. Um, it opened me up, and so, um, from that knowing, it's like, well, what am I going to do about it? I have to find the strength to, okay, I need to, um, find the strength to allow my sensitivity, to allow my vulnerability, to allow myself to express my creativity, my emotions, um, because that's, that's me, and I can see that now.
[00:36:57] Breathwork was a big part of what showed me that. Yeah. Yeah. Did you, do you, because obviously I shared a breathwork experience with, with you and like us all, we still carry a little bit of armor. We still carry a little bit of protection. There's always going to be more unfolding. And I don't know if you experienced that during our session like this.
[00:37:15] Erika Straub: Yeah, I experienced so much and in different ways than I expected and what really was present for me is my resistance to being fully cracked open by the intensity of breathwork and still my resistance to fully feel I think I deeply sunk in and descended but I know there's Another deepness that's not quite yet available and that was really reflected to me in our breath work.
[00:37:49] And you also mirrored to me, my doing, like just doing it and not necessarily feeling it. And that's such a deep pattern for me, I can do, I can do all day. And it's been this beautiful learning and kind of my experience of intimacy of like, how can I actually just slow down and feel. I don't have to do because someone is telling me to.
[00:38:17] I don't have to do even if someone is holding space for me, like really feeling into wow someone's holding space for me. And now I have to meet an expectation. And that blocking me from just receiving the space. So all of that was like so available in our, in our session together for me.
[00:38:38] Ben Bidwell: Beautiful, Erica.
[00:38:38] Thank you. And, you know, I'd love to just express, um, in this world we live in, it's often kind of put, put this masculine journey, you know, men need to, to, to, you know, become more in touch with themselves, open up, but it's, and, and men do experience that. There's no doubt. There's no doubt that there's pressure on men, particular pressure on men to do that.
[00:39:00] But there's no doubt that this is a global, this is not a masculine feminine thing. This is a men and women thing. You know, the world is asking us to do, to do. And we are judged on what we do and, and what we're achieving. And our heart doesn't judge ourselves in that way. Our heart wants us to live aligned to who we are.
[00:39:18] And to do that, we have to experience, to feel, to allow ourselves to receive. Our heart is so willing and open to receive. And the world tells us that we should be the ones giving, doing, making things happen. Men and women. So I hear you and thank you for, for, for bringing that alive because I, I, whilst I so often write experience of men, I'm like so clear that this is for women too, in the world that we live in.
[00:39:46] Erika Straub: Yeah. Do you see a lot of women in their masculine and with that masculine shield in the world today in relationships today? Is that something? You're really seen head on.
[00:39:58] Ben Bidwell: Yeah. Yeah. We're all scared to surrender. We're all scared to be seen as weak, you know, we're scared to be judged and If we really want to let ourselves be seen, if we really want to allow a feminine flow to be felt and experienced and for the masculine to come into our heart, we have to stop.
[00:40:18] We have to surrender. We have to be vulnerable to be open. And the masculine craves that. It craves that. Yeah. Yeah, I do. And I, God, it's such a common thing that we see in this world, I'm sure you'll have lots to say about it too, in the sense that there's a lot of women saying, where are the men out there?
[00:40:38] You know, I want some real, a man who's going to look after me, you know, what's happened to all these soft men and they still want that man and, but they've been conditioned all their lives to, to, to bring that energy alive themselves and they're not welcoming it. Not, and I'm not blaming anyone here. This is the world that we live in.
[00:40:53] This is the patterns that we're taught. It's very hard. A masculine man is not going to want to meet. A woman in the same place, he wants to lead and the more that the feminine can surrender and soften, the more it gives space for the man to the masculine to step up and, and to lead is a dance and it requires both very hard to surrender if there is no leader, it's very hard to lead if there is no surrender.
[00:41:18] Erika Straub: Yeah. Yeah. I so deeply feel that, that mirroring and that dance. And what would you. Speak into for women who want to surrender, who want to open their heart and be met. In that way, what would you say that journey looks like or just a few steps on that journey that they could take?
[00:41:46] Ben Bidwell: Yeah, the first part is, as you experienced, is to stop.
[00:41:51] It's to stop, it's to listen, it's to feel, it's to, to, to, to go into a place of deep truth as to what we're really experiencing and to not continuing to run and to hide and to do around those emotions, to stop feeling them. Um, There's, we all carry this sense of we're not meant to stop. One, we don't all carry, that's not right.
[00:42:11] But so many of us carry in this world that we're not meant to stop. So it starts from that place. And then embracing activities that aren't doing activities, but being activities, they're experiencing activities. How can we bring that sensuality back into our body? Can we move, you know, can we not to do it right, not to perform, not to be, to do it well, but to listen.
[00:42:30] How does our body want to experience this? music or this moment, this, this, this, this experience, um, and to listen from, from that place and to allow for that flow to come back into that body, the act of receiving, surrendering, allowing someone to look after them, putting the trust back into someone, which I know, again, is a dance we need, that we need the men to be able to prove that they are trustworthy for the, or the masculine to prove is trustworthy for the feminine to be able to surrender, which is, we're missing that part.
[00:43:00] in the first place in this world. So it's, it's hard, but can, can. The feminine find a masculine to hold them, to allow them the safety to flow, to soften, to express, to be vulnerable, to be open.
[00:43:17] Erika Straub: Yeah. I so deeply feel in every cell of my body, the sensuality piece and how that is such a return. Like sensuality to me is.
[00:43:30] Getting out of that paradigm of right or wrong of all our defenses of performing people pleasing, being perfect. I know those all so well, but really like just feeling, feeling into your body, what feels good. Right. And to stop doing the things that don't feel good, that might seem so simplistic, but I feel like that's such a big part of this journey.
[00:43:54] To really for me to get into sensuality. It's so much about integrity with myself too. I have to stop doing the things that don't feel good and be honest about that. And that allows so much more safety and movement and freedom in my body. So I, I so hear you sensuality being the thing to return to the descent for the woman to drop into.
[00:44:18] And it's such a beautiful place. To do that, and really, we do need a masculine container. There's such a deep need for that and learning how to let yourself be held, that it's safe to be held, even if you didn't have that experience growing up and you had to hold yourself and hold it all in and hold it all together, but how to let yourself really be held.
[00:44:45] I think that's such a like healing piece of this and the surrender journey is really allowing yourself to be held.
[00:44:55] Ben Bidwell: And that is where, you know, the masculine can help heal this world. The more strength and security and safety and groundedness and sensitivity with all that, to be able to hold the space, the more we allow for the softness of the feminine that, that.
[00:45:19] We're all crying out to be soft in some capacity, and I'm speaking to myself, my own feminine part, I crave to be soft at times, I don't want to constantly be, to be running the ship, to be leading, to be doing, to be doing this dance, you know, and perhaps I've got new understanding, new meaning, or new perspective around this, you know, this term of fluid, how fluid we're all becoming, and actually I see it in this positive way, in terms of within us all, there is this masculine and there is this feminine energy, and we're going to need both, all of us.
[00:45:51] And I crave sometimes to have my softness held, but at first it starts with where's the strength, where's the strength for us humans to be able to hold each other without judgment, without making each other right or wrong. And I loved what you said, if you don't mind me just explaining this one last bit about, you know, not having to get it right.
[00:46:13] You know, knowing to get it right and I'll apply that into this energy of flow and dance where I know within my own body, there is this desire for my body to move. The song comes on to move to it. And for a long time, Erica, I had this perception that I didn't want to dance. I didn't like dancing. I wasn't good at dancing.
[00:46:34] It wasn't part of me. Um, and so this is the one area where I'm just conscious when you say. You know, to not do things I don't want to do, but just to look a little deeper than that and go, do you really not want to do it? Or are you holding yourself back? Because I held myself back from dancing, giving myself that, um, uh, an excuse that it wasn't for me because I didn't like it because I wasn't good at it.
[00:46:56] When actually the real truth was, if a song came on, my body wanted to move and I judged myself and I pretended I didn't like it. I didn't want it because I wasn't very good at it. I'm six foot six and my, I've got these long limbs and it's like, Oh my God, judgment. How like, Um, so really feeling into do we really not want to do this?
[00:47:13] I actually is the truth. We do want to do this, but, um, we're scared. I love
[00:47:18] Erika Straub: that deepening. It's so true. There's, there's so much more to, to look at there and, and. Is the shame holding me back? Is that why it doesn't feel good? And speaking into dance like that was such a container for me for so much healing.
[00:47:37] But it brought up so much shame because it showed me how out of body I was. It mirrored to me how uncoordinated I was because I was not inhabiting my body. And so it was deeply. painful to start to move the tension and the rigidity and to see myself in that like there's probably not a lot of times in my life that were that I wanted to look away so badly.
[00:48:03] Like seeing myself in movement at the beginning of that journey was the biggest cringe, like I couldn't hold it, like could not hold seeing myself. So I kept going and I, you know, didn't do it in front of mirrors. I didn't, I couldn't look, but I could start to feel. And I think that's. the most beautiful thing about dance.
[00:48:25] I think it really does connect us back with ourself, but it is deeply uncomfortable if you've been out of your body or holding all of that rigidity in your body.
[00:48:38] Ben Bidwell: I'm with you all the way, Erica. You know, I, my experience was such I was so out of my body. I didn't, I didn't know that there was a beat to music.
[00:48:47] I didn't know that there was a bit, I couldn't hear it. I didn't know how to move to it. I just, I was like moving to the guitar and the violin. And it was all like this big mess. I had no connection to the music. I couldn't hear it. I couldn't hear what it was doing to my body. I was trying to think like, how am I, what am I meant to do to this?
[00:49:04] You know, and there was no sense of connection within me. I'm just
[00:49:09] Erika Straub: smiling to this, like, picturing you and I. Please
[00:49:16] Ben Bidwell: don't. I'll still maintain that, but actually, no, I'll take that back. Actually, if I embrace it, people love to see it. Like, there's a guy who's free. And I learned that, you know, um, and I'm still not like that.
[00:49:32] It's ongoing work for me, Erica. I know that there's more work within me. Like, you know, with the breath work, you knew there's more, there's more depth to feel. There's more that I know there's so much more to me because I know that I'm still not liberated and free in my expression around movement. I know I can feel it more.
[00:49:46] I know I can let go of more judgment around it. I know that I can, I it's, it's, I can feel it. So I know the work continues.
[00:49:55] Erika Straub: It's, it's. Such an interesting experience feeling your edges and knowing there's more beyond those but also having to take an account to your nervous system right like, can I go this faster is this too much for my nervous system and checking in with the different parts of you it's like, it's really the stance of like, let me step to that edge, but like be really gentle there.
[00:50:17] Or maybe I blow past it and then, you know, there's a lot of recovery and repair work to kind of come back home, but it's so beautiful to to be at our edges and explore that and the tension. There, and can we lean into the unknown there and not back to the familiar
[00:50:37] Ben Bidwell: completely, completely. And I'm trying, you know, I'm still trying, I'm still trying to come a long way.
[00:50:44] That's for sure. But as with this work, there's, it's always, it's gonna, I'll never get to the end. I'll never get to the end. That's
[00:50:52] Erika Straub: the beautiful part. Right. When we can integrate that and, and be like. This is, this is life. This isn't just work. This is just life, like this is who I am and learning to open and express more is my life path is my mission and to help others do that as well.
[00:51:12] Ben Bidwell: And you know when it comes to intimacy, Erica, for me, that is a big part of intimacy because if I'm in something with someone, and we're on that path. And there's expansion and it's like, you know, I love you for, for where we're at. I love what we're doing, how we're feeling. And I know there's so much more together.
[00:51:31] And I know that I'm going to see more of you. We're going to uncover more parts. And you're going to see more of me ongoing. And where can we evolve to? What is possible for our love, our relationship, our container in a year, two years, five years, 10 years, 50 years. What is possible in this space that that that for me is just such a intimate enhancer, if you like it's, it's like the opposite of feeling stuck and I think so many of us feel stuck in a relationship, because we can feel that there's not that going on.
[00:52:04] Erika Straub: You feel the wall, the stop. Instead of this expansion and this exploring that's possible.
[00:52:11] Ben Bidwell: Yeah. Yeah. This is it. This is the relationship. This is going to feel, it started to get a bit boring and it's all it's ever going to be because there's no expansion. So am I happy with that? I mean, really?
[00:52:26] Erika Straub: Yeah.
[00:52:27] Ben Bidwell: No.
[00:52:27] Erika Straub: Next. No. Next. And then you get stuck in that cycle of never opening and deepening and gosh, the possibilities from this place. I don't even know if I can fully conceptualize, like, even what possibilities are possible. It's just infinite.
[00:52:47] Ben Bidwell: Exactly. Yeah. And how exciting is that?
[00:52:49] Erika Straub: Yeah. Super. I mean, it's motivating to do this work, right?
[00:52:54] To go to these steps, like it's, it pulls me in, it magnetizes me, it activates. my life to know that there's so much depth and width possible.
[00:53:07] Ben Bidwell: Yes. I'm with you. Yeah. It's rare. It's so rare and it's not how most people are operating. I know me included for a long, long time and I'm, I'm still I'm on the journey, but it's, it's not to say I've got this relationship of complete expanse with complete um, opportunity.
[00:53:30] I'm sure I'm still holding onto things that. I stuck as it stands, but hopefully bit by bit, I'm getting closer to letting it go and becoming more. Yeah.
[00:53:43] Erika Straub: Yeah. I, I, I totally match you on that. I can feel where there isn't liberation and the, the deep yearning for that and the patients for it. And, um, what's been so helpful for me is just the idea of I'm building more capacity for it.
[00:54:01] Not, I can't do it, or I'm not capable, or I can't tolerate just this idea of I'm building capacity to let go deeper, to open, open more fully, to express more, to be seen more, to see myself more. It feels like a capacity piece for me, at least.
[00:54:19] Ben Bidwell: Yeah. And then it's like, I may not have it right now, but I am getting there and I'm, I'm going to have it because I'm on that path, but it's, I'm not quite ready at this stage.
[00:54:28] That
[00:54:30] Erika Straub: we're on the path, that it is possible, it's coming, it's coming and it's coming and it's coming.
[00:54:37] Ben Bidwell: Yeah, absolutely. That's, that's all, I think that's all we can ask for in all of that capacity, in relationship. And that's that, and that's beautiful for me. One step at a time.
[00:54:49] Erika Straub: Yeah.
[00:54:51] Ben Bidwell: That's beautiful.
[00:54:52] Erika Straub: Just slow, taking it all slow, slow is my, my new language of like, how can we go slow and feel this all.
[00:55:01] Ben Bidwell: Yeah, yeah, and I do, I think that's a really important part of this experience, Erika, in the sense that we live in this world where, um, you know, Instagram has blown up and people are becoming very good at regurgitating and saying the right things and learning and, you know, being able to put words out and to say the things.
[00:55:21] And I really feel.
[00:55:27] This is about embodiment now. This is, you know, this is about embodying it. This is not about understanding it all and rationally working with stuff out. This is about embodying it, being it. And that's, um, that's my one fear for the industry is that it's becoming very rational. We're understanding everything, but are we really embodying it?
[00:55:48] Because that's, it's about the experience. This whole Life that we're living is about our experience. It's not about understanding the experience. It's about feeling the experience.
[00:55:58] Erika Straub: Yeah, it's so true. I think we get stuck in the intellectual piece and trying to make sense of everything. And it's such a different, deeper experience when it just drops into your body.
[00:56:12] Ben Bidwell: You don't need
[00:56:13] Erika Straub: one. Yeah. You don't
[00:56:16] Ben Bidwell: beautiful connection without saying anything.
[00:56:19] Erika Straub: Yeah. I totally, totally agree with you on that, that this, this journey, and I hope for this space, the, the spiritual community, the mental health community, the inner work, right? The psychedelics, all of this space is like embodiment.
[00:56:37] How can we be more embodied and live from that place?
[00:56:40] Ben Bidwell: Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. And that is where I find in my work, I, because that is my belief, my work is more and more like about embody. How can we bring the true embodiment of this alive rather than rational understanding it? How can we embody this? How can we be it?
[00:56:55] Yeah,
[00:56:59] Erika Straub: absolutely. Well, Ben, where, where can people find you so that they can get into your work and really embody all of these beautiful teachings and wisdoms you have?
[00:57:11] Ben Bidwell: Thank you. Okay. Yeah. So I guess things still run through Instagram. I'm, I'm done TikTok. I haven't managed that far in this overwhelmed world.
[00:57:19] Um, so Ben Bidwell underscore on Instagram and my website is benbidwell. com. Um, it's my intention to have a weekly newsletter. Um, that doesn't always happen, but. I'm, I'm getting there, Erica. I'm getting there. Um, but yeah, website and Instagram.
[00:57:35] Erika Straub: Beautiful. And I'd love if we could share with everyone what you are offering right now and what's available.
[00:57:43] And if they do want to work with you, how could they in what capacity?
[00:57:48] Ben Bidwell: Beautiful. Thank you. Okay. Yeah. So I'm doing more and more live events in London and I'm really after the world going online after lockdown and COVID and everything, I feel a huge pull to be back in person with people and feeling them and experiencing it.
[00:57:59] So there's more and more live events. I'm based in London. So, um, Yeah, doing that side of things, the online world still is important to me, and I'm offering that, and I've got courses coming in 2024 that's going to be all about, um, learning about who we are, letting go, stepping into the full expanse of who we can become as a human being, um, and embodying that.
[00:58:22] Um, so I'll be running online programs in 2024, probably from March onwards. So, um, uh, yeah, that's my, that's my work.
[00:58:30] Erika Straub: Beautiful and we'll make sure to make that available for everyone to follow and check out and that'll all be in the notes. Um, with this, with this beautiful conversation and I just want to thank you so deeply for having this conversation with me and just this opportunity to like truly connect with you on a deeper level.
[00:58:52] I feel so, so honored and I'm so grateful to get to see different parts of you and I hope through our very compatible missions of helping people to, to open that our path stays connected to a deeply value the work you're doing.
[00:59:10] Ben Bidwell: Beautiful. Erica, right back at you. for giving me a space to share, to connect with you and dive into this stuff.
[00:59:16] It really fills my heart to have these conversations. So thank you for providing space for me and yeah, for being you. Thank you.
[00:59:23] Erika Straub: Thank you so much.
[00:59:24] If this podcast feels in resonance with you, I would be so grateful for 30 seconds of your time to follow or subscribe to the return to you podcast to leave a five star rating and review and to share this episode with someone you love who's on the journey home to themselves too. Thank you so much for being here.
[00:59:46] I see you.