Fundamental Questions with Dayka Robinson
Remember that you are here in service of the one who sent you. Are you doing what is yours to do?
- Dayka Robinson
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Dayka Robinson
In this episode
I sat down with a dear sister, a companion in the pursuit of truth, and the best question asker I know to explore the value of being direct, staying in integrity when you’re not in integrity, and what it means to really know your Self. Dayka, in her capacity to lead by example and go first, shares the energy needed to foster true Self confidence.
We unpack how to discover your unconscious fundamental beliefs by asking really potent questions, creating clarity around your values and needs, and what the journey to acceptance actually looks like. Acceptance being a deep truth in fostering intimacy.
Listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Amazon Music or on your favorite podcast platform. Favorite quotes and a full transcript of this podcast can be found below.
About Dayka Robinson
Dayka Robinson speaks, writes, & creates cool shit for unapologetic Truth Tellers (and those who WANT to be). She teaches women how to "let go of who they are & open up to who they can become", and is a guide & mentor for those navigating through unsittable life transitions: deaths & rebirths, relationship endings, & doing that thing God told you to do. Her voice, experience & style have earned national recognition and trust from numerous brands including CNN, Yahoo, HGTV, Essence magazine, Redbook, & more. Dayka’s known for her ability to speak & write with conviction, passion, & authenticity. She’s based in Atlanta & spends her free time in Morocco.
Favorite Quotes from the Podcast
“There's healing and then there's coping with something.” - Dayka Robinson
“There's a difference between theory and knowledge. Knowledge is wisdom. It's lived embodied experience.” - Dayka Robinson
“Remember that you are here in service of the one who sent you here. Are you doing what is yours to do? “ - Dayka Robinson
“There's still a way to be in integrity even when you can't be in integrity.” - Dayka Robinson
“When you value what it looks like more than how it feels that is the exact opposite of intimacy.” - Dayka Robinson
Transcript of the Podcast
[00:00:33] Erika Straub: This woman is bold, audacious, brave, direct, and I absolutely adore that she is not afraid to show she is interested. Dayka Robinson speaks, writes, and creates cool shit for unapologetic truth tellers and those who want to be. She teaches women how to let go of who they are and open up to who they can become.
[00:00:56] She is a guide and mentor for those navigating through unsuitable life transitions. Death and rebirths, relationship endings, and doing the thing that God told you to do. Her voice, experience, and style have earned national recognition and trust from numerous brands including CNN, Yahoo, HGTV, Essence Magazine, Redbook, and more.
[00:01:17] Dayka is known for her ability to speak and write with conviction, passion, and authenticity. She brings that to the table in this conversation. It's a meeting of the minds. I can't wait for you to get into this with us. Let's drop in.
[00:01:32] I just, I would just kind of love to start and flow into our exploration of intimacy together just by learning a little bit more about you and what got you on this self journey and exploration and got you to where you are today.
[00:01:51] Okay, let me tell you the condensed version. Before I take you all around. So the the fastest version of that is probably, uh, when I was. 27, 28, I had a little white spot on my stomach that then started getting bigger and bigger and found out it was vitiligo, which has now, I'm 44, so math is not my strong suit, however many years that is, um, which has now spread all over my body.
[00:02:19] Dayka Robinson: But I just remember in the beginning, it was like a come to Jesus, like, You know, I feel like there's a constant asking in my life, it's a refrain I always have of, and what shall we do with this? And what are we going to do with this, this thing that has fallen in your lap? What will become of this? And so, yeah, I mean, I think that it's just like if you, A lot at that time of who I thought I was was like cute body and your hair and your, you know, very, I'm in Atlanta.
[00:02:49] It's all black people. I had grown up around mostly white people in California. So I'm like, Oh, this is, I'm part of the mix. And then you find out, You know, yeah, but you're not this thing may change. It really just became a reckoning that I think picked up steam over time. I've been an interior designer. I started my design studio like in 20 2009 2010 something like that.
[00:03:15] And so I was just talking to somebody about this, even the process of doing design. At at some point it just became oh you guys are trying to solve relationship and personal problems through design So slowly, but surely i've kind of still will take on some design projects here and there but really have focused just on um Yeah, how do we let go of who we think we are so we can open up to who we can become?
[00:03:41] It is a refrain. You'll probably hear me say a lot today But that is the thing. I thought I was this and now either I don't want to be it. I can't be it Um really probably those two. I either don't want to be it anymore or for something, some reason I can't control, I can't be it anymore. Okay. So then who will you become?
[00:04:02] And it is very hard to let go of who you thought you would be and then to embrace a bigger legend, a bigger story. So that's the cliff notes version. Yeah. Yeah. So that experience was really this catalyst into really asking these deeper questions. Absolutely. Yeah. And kind of getting out of any sort of box or paradigm and like opening up to the unknown and these possibilities.
[00:04:31] Absolutely. I mean, and it's, and don't get me wrong, it's a constant, I'm still on the journey, right? So it's like, I may be further along than somebody, or I'm asking different questions, but one of the things, when I'm talking to people about the Buddle Igo, one of the things I always say is like, okay, at some point I came to grips with the fact that it was on my stomach, and then it's like, you grieve and you accept it, okay, I'm good, I can go on with it.
[00:04:53] Now it's popping up on my back. Oh, my God, people are going to be able to see it. Then I've got to constantly go through this grieving and accepting process. And so, you know, it's just, you know, I think over the years to learning how to ask better questions. And then, uh, there are I've started to use the word psychic, even though I feel like it's a dirty word, but I am psychic, intuitive, however you want to phrase that.
[00:05:20] And, um, and so it's, it's always been very easy for me to pick up on people's energies. And so being able to kind of hear like, oh, we're talking about this thing, but this is the thing that's really screaming to come out. And I very much teach with my life. It's kind of the wounded healer thing. So I'm using what I have and kind of connecting with people on that.
[00:05:43] Erika Straub: Yeah. Yeah. I hear you on that. And so like, so powerful that this thing that appeared in your life was first something that only you could see. And then it became something that everyone else could see. And I feel like those two things are, are so profoundly different and ask so much, so many different things of us to sit with that.
[00:06:07] I can only see this now. Everyone can see this. Now what? What does that mean? I don't know. Yeah, I mean, and I think part of it, to be honest, I'm heavy into astrology. I'm probably like a closeted astrologer, even though I don't really do public readings, but it's also interesting, you know, and what I love about astrology is it tells a story of kind of the themes that you're going to be and, and things that you will kind of be facing in this life.
[00:06:33] Dayka Robinson: It's not, you know, this exact thing is going to happen, but it tells you about the themes you're going to face. And so it's interesting because for me, how I see myself is very much tied to the other. And of course, this is something that like, you know, Usually you want those things to be separate. You don't want how you see yourself to be tied to the other.
[00:06:53] But like I said, I do think astrology is important because sometimes it's like, whether this thing is good or bad, it just is. And being able to notice, Hey, Dayka, this is something with all these seventh house placements, this is something you're going to do. You very much. are bouncing off, whether that's contrast, whether it's just intimate relationships, you need the other to be able to see yourself.
[00:07:15] And so what you were saying, like, oh, these things are separate for me, they were kind of together, you know? And so it was just like, well, even if nobody did see it, it still started to be like, At some point, somebody, I am going to have sex at some point, somebody's going to see me naked, we're going to be in the show, like, what does this mean, what are they going to think about, what are the, and it just literally have to go through all the questions to get clear about what you believe, what you believe about God, you know, I was at one point very much asking myself, like, if you think this is a punishment and that nobody is gonna love you or want you with this thing, then you might as well kill yourself right now.
[00:07:55] And, and there is a way that I talk to myself that is very direct. I feel like it's the way that God speaks to me. I think God speaks to each of us differently, but so it's just like, well, if you already, you know, know the story, bitch, then you might as well leave if you know everything. So if you don't know everything and your core belief is that some kind of way this is going to work out in your favor, then it's almost like, you know, what Willy Wonka would say, like, the, the only way out is through.
[00:08:23] If you want to get the answer, you actually have to keep going. You're not going to be able to find it. You know, back then. So for me, it's a very like, I don't know, helpful belief, like kind of how I talk through the stuff with myself. So yeah, it's just interesting, super powerful the way that you were able to like, reframe that for you.
[00:08:42] Erika Straub: If I believe this way, then what is my purpose here? If I truly believe I am unlovable because of this. What am I doing here? And to be able to look at that, I mean, referencing back to when you and I have connected in the past, um, I've loved your work with energy around like fundamental beliefs. And it sounds like this experience brought this like fundamental belief system to the surface and gave you this capacity to be like, what do I actually believe?
[00:09:17] Dayka Robinson: Absolutely. Absolutely. Because at some point, you know, in, in, I'm a Pisces and I have a Pisces stellium. So I'm as fucking, and I'm an Enneagram four. I'm as watery as they fucking come. I'm going to want to get in my casket of emotions. Sort through each of them in some tweezers, like, this is all my wheelhouse in language.
[00:09:38] But I always say too, like, and, and I have an Aquarius, when I have heavy Aquarius energy, which is very mental, it's a lot of processing, and I'm a Virgo rising. So we have a lot in common. And this is so funny too, because Some of the things that I've said to you, like how I notice like you work and how I notice your process.
[00:10:06] This would make sense because it's probably, this is the same thing people say about you. You don't see it about yourself, but it's the same thing people say about you. But like I have a lot of mental energy. And even now, like in the last, well, really the last, probably about a year and a half, I've become a full time caregiver to my mom.
[00:10:23] I just moved her in, packed up her house, sold everything in California, moved her here with me to Georgia. And I am very good. One of my superpowers is, are we talking about emotions right now, or are we talking about logic and things that need to be done, and I don't usually cross those things over. So sometimes even being at doctor's offices for her, or if I'm talking to other people and they can be like, Well, you know, well, how are you feeling about this?
[00:10:49] Or what's your emotion? I'm like, right now, we're just talking about logistics of what things need to be done and how to prepare for the inevitable. We can have a separate conversation about how I feel and the crying, but that doesn't happen right now. And so, even with myself and the Vitiligo, like I said, there's a lot of, you know, absolutely grieving and crying and being very sad for myself.
[00:11:10] But at some point, I get fucking sick of that. You know what I mean? It's like, all right, bitch, what do we believe? Yeah. The other thing too is I do, you know, deeply spiritual, deeply believe in God, not tied to a specific religion, kind of taking a lot of things from many of them. But my thing too is, Uh, you know, I think a lot of what we are facing are kind of core theology questions, and again, less about religion.
[00:11:36] We're really theos, like, what's, what's undergirding you here? What is holding you here? And, you know, if you've already decided that nothing's going to come of it, And let's stop wasting everybody's time complaining about it. Just be gone. If you don't want to do that, then, then you need to name that you're afraid, that you don't know what to do.
[00:11:57] I'm afraid nobody's going to want me. And I'm afraid nobody's going to love me. Okay. Those things Deka, we can work on, but I don't want to just hear you keep saying, I've been forgotten. God hates me. This is a punishment. Nobody's going to want to hear that from you for 60 years. That's really not going to work.
[00:12:16] Erika Straub: So they're saying that it's, it's making me think of, I don't know if I transmuted it or it, it kind of came in through other channels, but just this belief around the, the saying of like, Oh, I've already done that before. And I, I literally think I just wrote about this a couple of days ago, but it was so powerful me to, to look at that reference point and to attach like suspicion to that.
[00:12:45] done this before. Right? Because it's such a conclusion. Yeah. And it's like how have you actually done this moment before? How have you? Very dangerous. Very, very dangerous. I talk about that. I was just talking to a friend about that last night. Like in my work and how I process it and what it's about and how I think and move and live and breathe in this world like.
[00:13:08] Dayka Robinson: I'm like we are overconfident about shit that we think we know that we don't know and it's dangerous. Sometimes it's funny and it can be cute and entertaining and shit but other times you're very sure about something that you don't know and so I I'm constantly asking myself questions. And here's the thing, there is, I'm obsessed with Garth Brooks and there's a really great documentary of him.
[00:13:32] Um, I don't know, it's on Netflix or whatever, but I always remember there's a part where he talks about everything that's a blessing is a curse. And so he's always doing this. And so I think about it that way of like, yes, this ability, this fine tooth ability to Virgo and Mercury in and be analytical and dive into details is great and be critical.
[00:13:51] But that also gets turned on myself. And so I do have to be careful about that sometimes because I'm constantly like, am I integrity? Am I being congruent? Do I know this? Are you sure? Well, call this person and see what they say. And you know, and there's a part where it's like, you need to know when that ends.
[00:14:08] But for the work that I offer the world and the people that come into my orbit, it's just something that I'm constantly preaching of like, Are you sure? Are you sure you know that about yourself when you start talking about knowing yourself, trusting yourself, and honoring yourself? You're saying that you know things about yourself that I don't think you're clear about, because then when I ask you about your values, or I ask you about your boundaries, or I ask you about your needs, you don't know.
[00:14:37] And most women will end up saying something, most people will end up saying something like, well, I mean, it's hard to explain right now because you put me on the spot, but I know. This is again, the first step to freedom is like, oh shit. Yeah. You know what? I don't actually know and of course these things are going to change over time right like the point is not to put you in a box, but it's to like, if we're wondering how we keep meeting the same type of partner, let's start reverse engineering.
[00:15:09] Well we, you know, he said up front that he didn't have a job but you said it's a boundary for you that. Um, You know, or it's a core need that whoever you're with needs to have a job, why don't you keep going out with them? Maybe you're not as clear about what your needs are and what your non negotiables are as you think you are.
[00:15:29] And so we have to, we do have to be very confronting with ourselves in order to kind of face those kind of questions. Yeah, I love the just the idea around how confident can we really be in this or something that hasn't happened. But I'm curious, how would you Define confidence, or what does then create confidence?
[00:15:53] Erika Straub: Where do we, where do we place confidence? What is that made of? I am like, I'm like, I guess kind of clear audience. Like I can hear like people will be talking, like I wouldn't even say people. There's a voice in my head, but it's like screaming when you started to say that conviction. Hmm. Okay. Conviction.
[00:16:13] Dayka Robinson: My thing is, what are you standing on? Mm hmm. Mm hmm. What do you know that you know that you know? Not like, you know, I, I think again, confidence is, um,
[00:16:29] it's something that we can cosplay. We've become as a society, very good at cosplaying confidence. And even, and, and here's the thing. I think each of us need to define what that looks like, like what confidence may mean for you. May not be for me. Like I said, for me, it is conviction, which is like, you know, I know who I am.
[00:16:49] I know what I'm going to do what I'm not going to do. I know what my beliefs are. I know where my line is going to be. And in that, you know, when I tell you that you know, even kind of things that are going on currently, Palestine, Israel, I'm clear about what I'm going to say and what I'm not going to say and what I believe and don't.
[00:17:11] And so there is a confidence that comes from that. And it's not based on, do you guys like it? No one can fuck if anybody likes it. This is what I said. And even in the bigger point, I used to say this years ago, and I would post about this. I want to be around people and I want to be friends with people who think that I hung the moon.
[00:17:29] And. I remember the first time I said that to somebody, they laughed and I was just like, but why would, why would we not, why would we, that doesn't mean that they don't ever check me and tell me that my behavior might be wrong, out of pocket, bad. But if we're not surrounding ourselves with people who think the very best of us.
[00:17:47] Erika Straub: Doing, doing, you know, and so it's just like, you know, being confident. Yeah, I would say, like I said, deeply convicted about what you believe, how you're moving through the world, um, If that's, I feel confident that we can, I can come here today, talk to you. I don't need a lot of notes because this is embodied.
[00:18:15] Dayka Robinson: I always say there's a difference between theory and knowledge. Knowledge is, is wisdom. It's lived embodied experience. And so I always say on my podcast, I'm not telling you what I think. I'm telling you what I know. Now your experience may be different and that's fine. But if you're asking Deka, Deka said this, I'm very convicted about that.
[00:18:34] And that is what gives me the confidence. Yeah, I love that. It is so much about embodiment. Like, how can we know anything even about ourselves if we're not living inside of ourselves? Absolutely. Me, like, when I think about confidence, it's like, how confident am I that I can sit inside my body, feel what I'm feeling, and name it?
[00:18:58] Erika Straub: How confident am I that I know what truth feels like as it moves through me? How confident am I that that's just my truth? It might not be your truth. But this is my truth. And I'm confident that as I continue to evolve, that truth will also evolve to absolutely stagnant. Absolutely. And I think that's the thing people understanding like there's a spectrum of that.
[00:19:21] Dayka Robinson: And even in the beginning, I'm confident that I might not be able to name it, but I know that I'll go down this path to figure out how to name it, who I need to link to to do it, where to get an emotion wheel from so that I know how to call the thing by. I'm confident that even when I don't know what to do, I can figure out the one next step I need to take.
[00:19:43] So it's not about having the answers and being in a place of certainty, because welcome to humanity being, you know, spirit wrapped up in flesh and held up by bone, there is. There's no such thing as certainty. I want it more than anybody. And yet, I don't, you know, you're not going to get it. You're going to have to play this thing out.
[00:20:01] But part of that is, do you feel confident that You can get the answer that you need, particularly for me in this season of life. Like, I don't all the time, but I have to remind myself, Hey, you're putting your confidence in having the answer. That's not what you need, babe. You just need to know there's a gap here.
[00:20:21] I'm like very much a kind of a gap spotter. What's the gap? Okay, you're here, but you need to be here. What's in the middle? Okay, who do you need to call? Who can you reach out to? What do you need to Google to get this answer? That I do feel very confident in. I feel like you're describing agency, right?
[00:20:37] Erika Straub: Like knowing that we have agency. And I don't know if this was your experience at all, but I know for me, agency was really something I had to learn. It was like not fundamentally instilled because of my personal like trauma blueprint and working towards confidence. Which is, is a continual journey, I think for all of us, but definitely for me, it was the starting point.
[00:21:03] And this was just a part of me. It wasn't all of me, but the starting point was working with a really helpless part that believed. And helplessness and that was kind of the belief system of that part that had to be excavated through pretty not, um, not great experience to have that excavated. But once I came to the surface, it like propelled this building of agency and learning what that was and how to bring more empowerment into my experience.
[00:21:34] So I'm, I'm curious, like, kind of what was your starting point for you in building confidence? My agency experience. Yeah, it's an interesting thing as you're talking, I'm kind of like, um, I think there's been part of this that's always been here with me. One of my friends brings up all the time how, you know, I told him, like, I was in, I think, first grade or second grade or something.
[00:22:02] Dayka Robinson: And we were sitting on the little, you know, when it's time for the teacher to read to you. So we're sitting on the reading mat or whatever. And She was like, I was talking to somebody, but we weren't supposed to be talking or whatever. And so she's like, we'll wait for Deika to finish. And I'm like, thanks.
[00:22:20] So then Papa Smurf did blah, blah, blah. And I go back to talking to my friend and I remember I got in trouble. And so it was just a thing. You know, my friends are like, Oh, only, only Deika at seven is going to be talking back and blah, blah. And I was like, well, the flip side of that though, is You're using sarcasm with somebody who just got here.
[00:22:38] I'm only seven years old. I've only been in this body for seven years. I've only been in school for two years. I don't know sarcasm. So if you're telling me you'll wait for me to get done. My thing is thanks Kathy. I'll be done in a minute I'm going to finish my conversation. That has always been there.
[00:22:55] You know, kindergarten, leaving, calling the teacher by her first name. Well, my thing was, well, the bigger people, the adults call you by your first name. Why would I call you Mrs. Ibarra? I'm going to call you what they call you. So part of this has always been here in me. And then I do think just because of the family dynamic, I I was kind of left out on my own a lot.
[00:23:16] So there was a lot of agency. I mean, probably at this point in my life, it really is, um,
[00:23:26] it really is. I have to be careful with the agency thing, and I think this is probably true for a lot of Black women, but then, you know, I can only speak for Black women because I am Black, but I would even venture to say non Black women of, if you've grown up parentified in a lot of ways, like, you've been taking agency, so part of the thing becomes learning when to, like, you don't have to control it all the time, you can take your, you know, I don't really like talk about masculine feminine energy because I think it's so over, you know, oversimplified and it's been very perverted these days, but being able to step into more of a flow state versus when you're young and then you're actually panic because you've got to take care of this thing, take care of that thing, do this for the, um, your college admission, do all these little things.
[00:24:19] I think D. A. K. A. being who she is innately and then the environment that I was growing up in combined, so that agency has probably, you know, was been there. Um, I think my journey has been about learning to harness it and harness it in ways that actually work for me and who I want to be and who I say I am.
[00:24:40] Yeah, everybody else is wanting or what my family wanted, or things like that. Yeah. And how like, I don't know if this resonates for you, but like how not to control all the external things, but continue to come back to self, because that child, it's like responsible for everything around them and everyone else around them.
[00:25:02] Absolutely. I mean, and I think always remembering. You know, constantly coming back to what is mine to do? What belongs to you and what belongs to God? And I do have to stop and ask myself, Is this your business or is this God's business? Which one is it? Is it, is this yours to do? Or is this God's to do?
[00:25:21] Because you're getting into something that actually isn't your business. Have you done what you can do here? Okay, then, and again, for me, these are very, like, my friends seem to think I'm on the spectrum. I probably am. Like, I understand things very literally. Somebody can be explaining a concept, but if you change one word that for other people might be like, same, same.
[00:25:44] For me, it's like, oh, now I can hear you. Now I understand it. And so part of that process again is like breaking down, um, you know, it's sometimes it's literally a pen and a piece of paper making a diagram of like, have you done all the things here you can do? Then stop. Watch a K drama. Go watch one of your foreign movies.
[00:26:08] Go do something else. Go take a walk. You're gonna have to let it go at this point. And again, to trust. What do you say you believe? Okay, you say you believe in God? Are you acting like somebody who believes in God right now? Okay, so those are all the kind of little self check things. And I love that last piece of it, because it's the integrity piece, right?
[00:26:28] Erika Straub: If I'm saying this is my belief system, this is what I believe. Am I acting and honoring and listening to that? Are those two things in alignment? Cause if they're not, we're so out of an integrity and that's a whole different place to be in. There's so much friction and trauma and pain in that place. So I'm curious what, what has helped you like really find that integrity?
[00:26:55] Um, I don't know if it's necessarily like a static thing. I'm, I'm much of a believer that we have to continue refining and I'm putting effort into those pieces. I think it is, you know, my values at this point in my life have changed. And because my life has been so kind of tumultuous over the last year and a half, I'm not even sure.
[00:27:18] Dayka Robinson: I mean, I haven't really had that much time to sit down and kind of flesh out what they are, but what I know is integrity is number one integrity. I'm obsessed with it. I love the word. It's like, I want to wear it like a coat. I just, I'm obsessed with integrity. And my thing is. It's not about being moralistic.
[00:27:37] It's about Smoking what you sell, as Rob Bell would say. Whatever the fuck it is that you're selling, make sure you're smoking it. That's it, you know, and so there is, I think that is a question of spirit for me, because there is just something That I think all the time, and it'll make me cry, just like, are you, remember that you are here in service of the one who sent you here.
[00:28:07] Are you doing, again, kind of what is yours to do? Um, is this, you know, I, I, I had like a long story about it on my Instagram live, like a couple of years back, but. Uh, being in Morocco, there were two things. One was here, uh, in Atlanta at the post office and seeing somebody get, like, really almost kind of get attacked more verbally, but she had this, like, dog.
[00:28:33] It was kind of crazy in the post office. That post office was packed. There were men in there. Nobody did shit. Nobody said anything. Nobody got I am the person that I will not let somebody be bullied or attacked around me. And so, similar thing happened when I was in Morocco, and I woke up, got woken up from my nap, I heard this woman screaming next door, and I'm like, I don't speak enough Arabic.
[00:28:55] What am I going to do? What am I going to say? And I remember sitting there thinking, do you want to be the type of woman who hears another woman getting her ass beat? I thought she was at the time, getting her ass beat. And you go in the other room and close the door and you turn up the TV. And I'm always connecting macro and micro.
[00:29:16] And so the thing is, you know, a lot of times it's like people are wondering again, similar to kind of what's going on in Israel and Palestine, like, well, how would we let this happen? We let it happen by people doing what you're doing right now. Nothing. This is how these things happen. So when you want to know, well, how come everybody walked around or they just heard her get her ass beat?
[00:29:36] Nobody said anything because they were you. And you think your conscious is turned off because you're in North Africa on another continent. It's not. Do you want to sit? Nobody will ever know. You can go back home, get on Instagram and lie and say you did something. I will know. And that shit will eat me up.
[00:29:53] And so it just really is. Am I? I don't know what it is. It's just an inner, again, like a conviction, an inner pull. I think it's just a thread that God has woven in me. Like, are you being who you say you are? I sell these intention bracelets and they're on my arm. And if one of the bracelets on here says, be who you say you are, tell the truth, trust God, the other one says worthy.
[00:30:20] Really kind of the basics. Are you being who you say you are? Because if you're not, this then leads into a bunch of other things. Okay. Well, people act a certain way with you, or maybe you don't have a lot of friends, or maybe you can't find the partner that you want because you're being a chameleon.
[00:30:35] Dayka Robinson: You're saying one thing, but you're doing another, can people trust you? Yeah. Yeah. Consistent. So I love that you can take it from the micro and the macro, but also like the spiritual component of it. It's not right. Just can you trust me? But it's, am I living my purpose? Am I living in alignment with the service I meant to do here?
[00:31:00] Erika Straub: Absolutely. I'm it with these values that I say I have. And I think ultimately that creates trust. Trust in ourselves trust in like all the parts of us trust in others and our relationships like that integrity piece has to come before trust is built. Yeah, that's interesting. Think about that. Absolutely.
[00:31:22] Dayka Robinson: Yeah, yeah. Let me think about this. Absolutely. You have to be Excuse me, congruent, in order for me to be able to, you know, trust you, trust this, trust what you say, trust that when you tell me you're going to pick, I don't have children, but when you tell me you're going to pick my child up at 3pm, I don't have to call you and say, hey, you know, are you there, there's certain people that I, you know, all of us have this in our lives, there's certain people that we know we can count on to do certain things, or when they say they're going to do this thing, it's fucking done, period.
[00:31:53] Period. Period. I mean, we have friends that are like, especially some of my friends in Morocco, that are like, I get offended when you ask me again. When you ask me the first time and I told you that I would do it, don't ask me about it again. And the reality is that I have to look back at the track record, what I know about them is, And even when you weren't able to do the thing you said that you were going to do, you fix it so something is done.
[00:32:19] So there's still a way to be in integrity even when you can't be in integrity. That is, hey, we're supposed to jump on this call at three o'clock, but let me let you know I'm going to be a few minutes late because I've got to do X, Y, and Z. Mm hmm. Am I out of integrity? No, I honored my word. We're supposed to be meeting at a certain time.
[00:32:37] Dayka Robinson: I'm not going to be able to do that because of something I can't control. This is what I can do. And that either works for you, you know, or not. It's the communication piece, right? It's being with that integrity, like in motion. And trust opens up every single door in my mind and I really think about trust being one of the backbones of intimacy.
[00:32:59] Erika Straub: Like how can I actually reveal and open and let you come closer and let myself go closer if there isn't trust in that space. Absolutely. I mean, I don't even know, this is like a chicken and the egg kind of thing, because I'm like, does safety come first? Does trust come first? That's the type of shit that I'll, like, want to take a look at, like, all weekend, trying to flush out in my mind, and then still haven't done the things I need to do, but it's that type of shit that I geek out on, like, you know, which one of these things comes first, but we don't have trust, we don't have Anything.
[00:33:34] Dayka Robinson: And, and here's the thing. And if you don't trust the person, I'm not saying that you can't fuck with them at all. Like that just means something. Hey, they said six o'clock might be nine before they get there. You know what I mean? Everybody complains about Lauren Hill. She's been doing this for years, you know, always late to her shows and that kind of stuff.
[00:33:52] Like, so now at this point, you know, part of me is like, I don't want to keep hearing you guys fucking complain about the show. Look at her track record. She's not going to be on time. Now, if you still want to go and that's worth it to you. Go and enjoy it, but again, but at this point, she is trustworthy.
[00:34:08] She's trustworthy that she's not going to do what she said she's going to do. Yeah. There's patterns, right? Like patterns are always revealed if you're paying attention, you know? And so we, we can always trust something. It just may not be the thing that you want. You know, so again, paying attention to, am I telling the truth about the story?
[00:34:27] Am I telling the truth about this narrative? Am I telling the truth about the narrative I have about this person or who they are? We really, like I said, have to be careful about, you know, I always think a lot of times we will complain about people gaslighting us, very valid. But then from the DACA perspective.
[00:34:50] They gaslight you because you gaslight yourself. And it's not a, um, that's not a, what's the word I want to use? It's not a, like, you know, sometimes people will be like, Oh my God, that's so harsh or it's so mean. It's not to be mean, but if we're going to enter the arena of truthful conversations and building intimacy and building trust, we're going to have to speak honestly.
[00:35:14] When your skin started tingling and you thought something was wrong, like if you feel like you got to go through their phone. That's already a problem, babe. It doesn't matter whether you find, whether your belief is affirmed or confirmed or not, the fact that I asked you and I can't trust what you say is a problem.
[00:35:34] That's the problem that needs to be addressed, you know, so. Ah, and looking at that even, Deeper like if I don't trust them and I'm imagining these are the things they're doing. Where am I not trusting myself to and that's that's what I'm not being honest because now I'm, I'm, you know, experiencing or projecting this onto this person's value system that they're not honest.
[00:35:56] Erika Straub: Absolutely. And that's what I, you know, to me, there's a lot of ways, but sometimes there are ways that I just speak very directly because I think sometimes we need the shock to wake up and like, particularly for women, there's so much around like being nice and being kind and being gentle. Sometimes you need to say something.
[00:36:12] Dayka Robinson: To get somebody to snap out of it. And so part of it is like, that's what it means to gaslight yourself. No, you're gaslighting yourself. Therefore, they're able to come in and gaslight you. This is not about blame. It's just about, again, objectively, What are the dynamics that are happening here? And then when people are like, I knew this was going on.
[00:36:31] I knew it. Okay. So let's put this aside for a moment. Talk to me about what it looks like when you know something is going on and you're so sure that you're angry and rageful about it now, but you ignored your knowing in that moment. If we don't get to the bottom of what's happening there, we can't fix an internal problem.
[00:36:52] Of course, Yeah, you know from an external position. So what would you say would help someone get more in that space where they can give and receive directness? Like what helps someone be able to embody that? That's a
[00:37:11] Erika Straub: good question. Um,
[00:37:21] Dayka Robinson: I think you're talking about like with them for themselves, like either that comes for you, whether it's just self or it's in a relational container with someone else. So I would say for self, I think, oh god, like I lost my answer. Um, I think that you have to be sick of your shit. So even kind of going back to what I said about vitiligo, like, babe, this is, it's devastating for sure.
[00:37:50] And then they're like, we don't know if it's going to spread or not. So now you're in this holding pattern. So now you got to be checking out your skin every day to see is it spreading? Is it not? Did it like You know, you're, you, it's anxiety driven, you're paralyzed, all this kind of stuff going on, but at some point, you're 27, 28 years old, you can't go the next 60 years like this.
[00:38:10] So, you know, we've cried, we've wailed, you've thrown yourself at the altar, you've done all the new moon rituals and the crystals and you've done all the things. What are we going to do with this? Like we got to get to, we got to kind of get down to the basics, like being able to sort through what's on top and what's basic.
[00:38:33] Like, do you want a better relationship? Yeah, I do. But I just not, but do you want a better relationship? And, and, and what are you willing to pay for that? I think we don't talk about risk enough. And so even in thinking about like. Again, the freedom, safety, intimacy, it's going to cost you something. You can't still stay on your throne, but then you have, well, because I was, you know, I was abused or I had really bad relationships.
[00:39:02] Those things are valid. Do not get me wrong. Like, oh, I've been betrayed in relationships before. That's valid. And that's has to be addressed and honored and recognized. And yet if you're wanting what you say you want. You're going to have to get naked. That's the only way. And if you don't want that, then I need you to be honest and say, You know what?
[00:39:28] That's too big of a cost. I don't want to pay that. Okay, cool. So then maybe, maybe you don't get the intimate relationship. Maybe you get the fun relationship, but not a lot of intimacy. Like, you can't have it both ways. You can't cherry pick that like, I'm not going to do all these things. I'm going to be in an intimate relationship with Erica, but Erica has to go first.
[00:39:47] Okay, cool. It doesn't work like that. And, and like, I'm getting chills and feels all over as you talk about this. Cause it's definitely, there's pieces in my own system and life where it's like coming into such acceptance of the denial that, right. And it's like, Oh my gosh, this is a huge lift to break through that denial.
[00:40:11] Erika Straub: But if the things we really, truly desire are not being created, co created with us. I think there's something within us where we haven't built the capacity yet, or we're not in coherence. And I know I have like internal conflicts around things, especially where there's been trauma, right? It's like resolving those conflicts.
[00:40:34] We, we build the awareness. We do that. We grieve, we rage, like we have an experience with it, but we got to resolve the conflict. Or we're going to stay in the same exact thing with more awareness and the point of shadow work isn't to stay in the same place and have more awareness. It's actually to integrate and move into this next version, this evolution.
[00:40:55] And I think that's kind of the myth sometimes of, of personal development work is like, I'm doing the shadow work and I'm aware of the things. And it's like, but the things are still happening. So what is that about? And, and, and again, You know, this is where I was kind of walking in the neighborhood and as I've been, I'm like completely, you know, re want to redesign my site, but the first part is of course copy.
[00:41:20] Dayka Robinson: So as I'm working on different little things and really getting clear about like who I want to work with and, you know, who not just can work with me, but who I enjoy and the type of people that, you know, I want to be around part of this is not just talking about like. What you want. It's a very child like position.
[00:41:40] And again, everything costs and something you were talking about earlier. Um, just a minute ago. Uh, it wasn't denial. I want to say it was a word that started with a D, but I'm like, what'd you say? Acceptance. Uh, yes. Acceptance.
[00:42:05] You, we don't get to acceptance before grieving. And here's the thing, people don't want to grieve because they want to know how long it's going to take. And you're talking about somebody who has come out of a eight year relationship. We, with a friend, soulmate friend, we got together at the very end, but things, you know, ended and didn't end well.
[00:42:26] And, you know, It's been three, I mean, I think the, the grieving was delayed. It didn't start until a year later. So you're talking about three years of grief. Most people are, I want to know how long this is going to take. And I don't have time to do this and I can do it this way. And, and even interesting to see how many people want, were uncomfortable with me grieving and wanted me to be out of that space.
[00:42:50] So we talk about acceptance and we talk about these little things. But again, you know what, what my therapist always tell me, Daca, I don't. know when it's going to end. But what I can tell you is it will not be like this forever. It won't. And just now getting to a point where I'm kind of like, Oh, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
[00:43:09] I still wouldn't say I'm a hundred percent over it, but it's just like, and when I say over it, I don't think there's any such thing, but that it's been. You know, that I'm not turning my head looking back in, in, in whatever, you know what I mean? I'm not still, uh, whatever the, the Sodom and Gomorrah thing is.
[00:43:28] I'm not, uh, that's also very random about me. I know all this, like, biblical shit in these random, like, scriptures, but I'm not, like, I don't know where this stuff comes from, but something just made me think about that. Sodom and Gomorrah and turning back and turning into salt. You know what I mean? And that's the thing that God is like, don't keep looking back there, you know, but part of it too is you're going to have to keep looking back.
[00:43:51] Like, stop. We need to stop trying to force ourselves to be somewhere that we're not need to keep looking black, babe. Look back as long as it takes. And here's the thing. Daca is different. Eric is different. My best friend, Raquel, I talk about all the time. Raquel's different. What she may need to do to greet, that's not me.
[00:44:09] And so part of this, again, back to like knowing yourself, trusting yourself, honoring yourself is also like, yeah, I know that I don't form a lot of like, number one, I haven't had a lot of boyfriends or partners or whatever. And so those things are very, very deep. I am, we're woven in each other's fabric.
[00:44:29] You're not just going to rip that apart and think you're going to be able to get over that. That's not happening. And so part of it is stop trying to be somewhere you're not. Stop trying to listen to people who do things differently and do relationships differently than you. This is going to take some time to even come out of the denial that this thing that you thought would never happened has happened.
[00:44:48] And then you're going to have to let your heart break and it's going to have to do it for a long time. And then, so again, kind of, you know, Tangential but looping this to you talking about acceptance of like, we hear these stages and we spout this shit off like theory, again, like you know what you're talking about but then the question becomes tell me, show me where you've lived it.
[00:45:09] Mm hmm. Yeah, tell me where you've been wailing on the floor, and literally have just been like, I don't even know when this thing is going to let go I've let go of it and it still has not let go of me, and yet I'm still going to continue to show up. To fucking wade in shit. I call it walking through the valley of the shadow of death.
[00:45:30] Dayka Robinson: I had to build a fucking house there the last couple of years. You're going to be here until you're not, you know? And so I just think those are all the little things that we just want to quick fix. Yeah, we do. And getting to acceptance is not a quick fix, right? It's not a, a simple formula to follow. And the journey there, the whole journey is such sacred grounds.
[00:45:55] Erika Straub: Right? If we can meet it, if we can continue to meet ourself in the moment with two feet down, all in, like so much transformation happens there and As you were speaking, I was just thinking about like the relationship with grief, and I know I've really had to learn how to do that because I was pretty frozen and numb for a long time until I kept having repetitive experiences that were like, I'm gonna get you eventually.
[00:46:24] Right, right, right. Please just choose to grieve so we don't have to keep doing this. But it really taught me like grief is just. Such a part of life to love is to grieve to grieve is to love to grieve is love without a home. And like, if what I want, and what I need and what I like my vision to create in this life and in partnership and in love, if it's that big and intimate, then grief is certainly going to be a part of it, and probably a big part, and I'm hearing this.
[00:46:58] About you. I'm imagining at least and this is something I had to learn about myself is who I love who I truly deeply love. I will love them forever. I swear to God, pause. I was about to say that. Because that is my thing. The people that I love. I don't fake like. I will love you forever. This never, when I told you I was going to love you forever again, maybe it didn't end the way we thought and that breaks my heart.
[00:47:32] Dayka Robinson: It'll be, and even to your point about like, you know, acceptance. I think part of that means too, that doesn't mean this gets tied up in a bow and it gets put on the box. I think there's always going to be a tender spot there. Now, it's not going to feel how it felt in the beginning, but this is never going to feel how I want it to.
[00:47:51] And yet, you're still getting on it. But yeah, if I've loved you once, that never goes away. It just changes form and I'm still Every good thing I want for myself, I want for you and it can still break my heart and I can be bawling crying when I say it, but truly I love you. Every good thing I want for myself.
[00:48:13] I wish for you too. Yeah. Yeah. And when you step into that, especially after someone, something has ended in its old form, right? Like a relationship dissolves, the container changes. Right. But the love is still completely there. And I've found if, if we can allow that and really, I mean, I guess I should speak from my belief system.
[00:48:37] Erika Straub: Like I believe that our heart is. Completely expansive and abundant, and we can hold love for many different people at the same time, maybe not in the same capacities. We never loved someone in the same way, but I do believe the heart is infinite. So I don't believe it's like, I have to get rid of this love to make space for someone else in that way.
[00:49:01] But as I've had certain containers. change and look back at the person and, and still have a container with them, but maybe not in a romantic way. I found such a tender spot of unconditional love. Yeah, it's like it's profoundly changed me to be able to look at someone who I shared so much life with. It's making me emotional.
[00:49:25] Dayka Robinson: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I feel you. I was like, Oh, damn, I don't have any tissues. I wasn't prepared. Um, I can look back at him and See how not aligned we are in life anymore and also unconditionally love him. And that was confusing for my system at first, but then also the beautiful gift of like, I spent so long trying to change you because I loved you.
[00:49:52] Erika Straub: I don't think I loved you the same way as I love you now. I think now is much more expansive and real and pure and not codependent. Um, but to really, Truly look at someone and say, I love everything about you. I accept and know so much about you. I might not get to know, you know, all these versions that evolved on the road, but who I know and all the parts I know, like I fully accept you.
[00:50:19] I don't want to change any part of you, but I have not yet had the experience of that inside the romantic container of not trying to change someone. I mean, well, and I, well, yeah, I don't know that I have either, but also it's not like I've had 18 boyfriends. I've had three. You know what I mean? And, uh, and.
[00:50:41] Dayka Robinson: Yeah. Yeah. You know, there's work that is done outside of containers. There's work that you need to do on your own. And then there are some work that can only be done in partnership. So there's no such thing as like, I'm going to do it all and get ready. And then we're going to get together. It doesn't work like that, babe.
[00:50:58] You're good. Some of this, you're, you're going to have to, you know, you know, you're going to have to find, you know, You have to, you know, you can only read again. There's practice and there's theory. You can only read so much about fighting a fire. At some point, you have to put the suit on, get into the burning building, and figure out how to make the word become flesh.
[00:51:20] Yeah, make it lived. How do you make it flesh and bone? So, you know, and, and this is again, it's just part of being human. And I think these are things that like, you know, I like complex shit. I like things that are gray that, um, that things that we have to contemplate and we have to let settle in our bones and we walk away from a conversation and it's like, Hmm, I need to, that's a little piece of fat I need to chew on for a bit.
[00:51:50] Ooh, that, that blew my wing back kind of thing, you know? It gives me that like satiated feeling and I just want to like live in it and like, you know, meander in it and marinate and what's all that. All of it, all of it. I'm like, then I want to start separating, Virgo, I want to start analyzing, categorizing and separating to see, you know, what goes where.
[00:52:12] But this is, you know, it's this like, I do the work that I bring to the world is my work, and it's why I am so passionate about it. It's why I talk about it the way I do. It's why people are like, oh, your language is so, um, and not even just the curse words, but like the analogies and things that I give are so like, cut and dry.
[00:52:34] Because. This is a matter of fucking life and death for me. It really is. Like, it's, if this isn't that important, and when I say this, I'm talking about all of it, intimacy, because intimacy has been a core value for years. If this isn't that important, then Deco, what are you doing here? Maybe you're doing something else.
[00:52:56] I don't know, but what are you doing here? I am here to be in deep communion with people, with the right people. It's something I'm learning, and not taking people and trying to make them the right people, it is sitting back to see who works, who recognizes you, um, who adores you, and I'm not just talking about lovers, I mean, in general, like, making sure that you're being able to see who your, your people are, but again, I don't, I don't think there's also any such thing as like, all the concepts we've been talking about, that you get it, and then it's done.
[00:53:32] No, and then you're going to learn acceptance in an even deeper way with the next person and then you learn. It doesn't end. Welcome to life. Welcome to humanity. It doesn't. It just keeps getting deeper if you allow it. If you allow it. And I love your invitation. This was maybe a couple minutes back, but just about We can only do so much on our loan on our own, like we truly have to step into relational containers.
[00:53:59] Erika Straub: And it doesn't even just mean, you know, a partner or a friend or this or that, but like we have to step into relational containers if we want deeper intimacy, like we have to have that mirror and that container to show us something about ourselves that we can't see on our own. And I know it's. Well, again, I should say for me, I know it's really easy to get stuck in the paradigm of like, I'm going to get this all figured out.
[00:54:27] I'm going to get it all sorted internally. Right. I'm, I'm going to know how to do this by all the books and the talks and the things I have, but that's not in the arena. Like all that work is like important. Absolutely. We have to do that work. And I agree with you, life or death, like have to do it for me, have to do it.
[00:54:47] And if I don't step in the arena, then what is it for? Absolutely. What's the point? And, and, and, you know, and again, everybody's got to answer that. That question personally, maybe for somebody else. They're good with theory. Cool. I love that. And that's great. But I will say, hey, make sure you find your people.
[00:55:11] Dayka Robinson: Maybe you don't want to come to take us thing. Maybe you don't want to be in Erica's group. Maybe you don't want to go to dinner with her because You're going to end up feeling like you're 9 times out of 10, 9. 9 times out of 10, if you're not clear about your beliefs, your undergirding beliefs, your foundational beliefs, and then you're with somebody who's are fucking 180 degrees opposite, then you're going to be around an Erica or a Deacon, you're going to feel like you're not enough.
[00:55:40] Because your thing is, you know what, I don't want to get in an arena. I just want to read about theory and stockpile them and have a whole library full of books I don't read. I don't want a library of books I don't read. I want a library of books that I have read. I only keep the books that I love. I date my books, I underline, I annotate in them.
[00:55:58] When you pull a book off this motherfucking shelf, I'm going to be like, oh, I love that because blah blah blah. I'm not a person that just keeps the books I don't read. And if you want to do that, Cool. I love it for you. Go be around the people who are book collectors. I'm not a book collector. I'm somebody who reads, you know, who reads the books.
[00:56:18] Again, it's kind of, it's very different. And I think, um, you know, even just kind of looping this directly to intimacy, we have to be very careful about trying to fabricate intimacy versus truth. Thanks. Plugging into the intimacy that is already existing and wanting to be birthed like, Oh, I see there's a thing here.
[00:56:43] There's a like, I want to kind of go into deeper communion and even that people, everybody's got to decide what does communion look like for you for some people. They don't want to share this part of their life or they don't want to do X, Y, and Z, then you know what you're going to get around a daycare and you're going to be like that fucking bitches nosy.
[00:57:00] She's nosy. She said, my goddamn business. She wants to ask that because, or, or you're going to think that things that I share and say are inappropriate because you don't want to be seen that much. It's not a big lesson to learn is that not everybody wants to love the way that we do. Not everyone wants the depth of intimacy that we do.
[00:57:20] Erika Straub: I think I was just going to say, and being able to acknowledge that and see that and letting that be okay. You know, taking your path and your value and your gifts somewhere else. And I think one of the biggest journeys, um, a lot of women that I see go on myself, included is connecting with a partner who isn't available.
[00:57:44] And staying in that dynamic and that chasing energy. And nothing, nothing grows there. And that if, if there's any like words of wisdom, we could speak into that for women is like getting out of that paradigm will change your fricking life. It'll change your relationships, but how do they get out of that paradigm?
[00:58:05] Like what's. What's a step to not keep leaning into the person who's unavailable or the person who's saying no, I don't love this way. I don't want this kind of intimacy. I don't want to be confronted in this way. I don't want that kind of mirror. It's, it's, it's a pop back a little bit. Something does grow there.
[00:58:25] Dayka Robinson: Self distrust. You know, uh, you're, you're, what's the opposite of self worth? I don't want to say self hate, I feel like that's too strong. Shame grows there. Um, gaslighting grows there. There are lots of things that grow there. Lots of things. We have, you know, this is not like, Oh, something, this is still, fertile ground is fertile ground, something is going to grow, even weeds.
[00:58:52] Weeds still are growing, so something is going to grow here. You just better make sure it's what you're asking for. I think one of the things, you know, we have to really be careful, and this is men and women of like,
[00:59:08] The time, you know, when you're in the relationship is not the time to figure out what you need. That being said, as we've said before, you're doing work in the, inside the container and outside of. So there's always going to be a refinement happening. But one of the worst things you can do is you at least got to know what the non negotiables are.
[00:59:28] And I don't want to fucking hear you talking about how tall he is. I don't want to hear you talking about how he's dressing, or she's dressing, or whatever it is, like, there's gotta be Well that's just reflecting the value of, I value what it looks like more than how it feels. Which to me is the opposite, the exact opposite of intimacy.
[00:59:48] And, and, and then, say that. You know, I mean again, this whole thing about like, the ability to be honest and truthful with yourself, we are wanting people to be honest. I always think people lie to you. We complain about people lying to us, but that's because we first lie to ourselves, you know what I mean?
[01:00:06] And so you really have to be asking yourself, where am I telling a lie? Where am I telling myself an untruth just to stay comfortable? So, you know when you're in the thing it is gonna be very hard. I mean you can you know again There's like healing and then there's
[01:00:28] And so it's like, yeah, okay, a coping mechanism is to get some other friends around you and maybe they can kind of stand in, in the gap and, you know, yelling your ear to get away but at some point, you You know, like I said, I'm 44. Let's stop actually. You don't need to keep putting your hand over the stove to see if it's hot.
[01:00:47] I think you know by now, it's hot. It's like that poem that I love, that's like the first, you know, they walk down the street and there are the holes and they fall in. I don't know if you've read that poem. That's really good. And it is like, I see that street, I don't walk down it anymore. And that really is, for me, the transformation process of like, at some point, I'm able to, I don't have to taste it to know it's spicy.
[01:01:10] You know what I mean? Like, now I'm starting to notice, oh, on the menu, when it has one pepper, this means it's spicy. That's my hint that this isn't your area. You don't need to taste it and then be in shock. So, you know, just the kind of things of like getting clear about, you know, What your non negotiables are, I think your values are probably even more helpful, but those are the two.
[01:01:32] Do some work on those things before you get into the thing, because love speaking as a Pisces. Love You know, it changes our eyesight. There's all these chemical things that are happening in the body scientifically where we're not seeing things for what are, and then we start telling ourselves stories about what's happening, and they're not going to go in your favor.
[01:01:58] Erika Straub: Yeah, yeah, I love that. The clarity around needs, boundaries, non negotiables, values, has to start before inside the container. Continue the refinement process. And when we see something, we have to believe it and honor it. Like the poem you just referenced. When we see it, you have to have that fork in the road moment where I know where this road goes.
[01:02:22] I know what this pothole feels like because I've fallen in that pothole every single time I've walked this path. What I don't know is this other direction. Am I willing to trust myself enough? To, to go down this unknown road and see if there's a different outcome. There's certainly a lot more possibility on that side than the other.
[01:02:44] Dayka Robinson: It's hard. Somebody who has fallen in the hole and will continue to fall in a hole, you know, hopefully it's not the same one over and over again, but this isn't, you know, my life, knock on wood, isn't over and we'll continue to, yeah, it's, it's not easy. And particularly because I'm the type of like. I want to believe in possibility and I'm always like, well, there's a chance maybe they repaired the street while I was sleeping because they do repair streets overnight.
[01:03:12] So let me just peek down there and see if the pothole is still there. The goal isn't at some point, it's just like, even if the street has been repaired overnight. I'm sick of the scenery. I don't want to see these buildings anymore. I just want to walk, you know, I want a beach scene now. I don't want to walk in a city scene anymore.
[01:03:32] And you just, and, and the only way we get to that point is when we get tired of our own shit. There, you can read all the stuff your friends can tell you over and over again, your partner, your mom, your parents, whoever it is. But the only way the needle moves is when Dayka finally says. I can't do it. Mm hmm.
[01:03:55] Yep. I am tired of my own shit. And in that way, I think we actually do need to have more grace for, why do they keep doing this? Why do they keep doing that? Because they need, they might need to do it 32 times. They might need to go back 32 times. Now you can not like it. You can think it's stupid. You can have whatever, you know, opinion you want to have about it.
[01:04:16] But also, how do you know that they're not actually living the story that they're supposed to be living? You don't. This may actually be because maybe on the 35th time they hook up with this person and this thing happens and they meet this and it changes their job and we don't know and again that over confidence of like, this sounds great for everybody to, you know, want to let go of the thing after time one or time two, but most of us actually need to knock our heads against the wall more often than we think.
[01:04:48] And I think we need to all have more grace. And actually allow that to happen. Mm hmm. Yeah. You'll stop hitting your head against the wall when you get sick of it. Yeah. We need to tussle. We need to be in there and tussle. Yep. Yep. Yep. That's, I think that's where the greatest insights come from and give us finally that like connection back to self and source to walk a different path if that's, if that's an alignment.
[01:05:17] Absolutely. And it gives us the ability to say, again, I've bled for this. I can talk about certain things. My thing is. You know, I, could I have stayed in the relationship? Could I, I had to cut my, I'm the one who left. I wasn't left. I was the one who left. So I had to cut my own arm off in order to go in this different route.
[01:05:39] Do you know what that feels like? So again, I'm not telling you what I think I'm telling you about lived experience of having to chop my own shit off to make a different choice. It's not easy, but I think that again, competent conviction comes from. you're able to speak and even just kind of be a lighthouse for other people when you're like, I know what that's like to hit my head up against the wall 32 times.
[01:06:06] I loved it. Time 19. I still loved it. Time 22. I was excited to go back and hit my head against the wall again. You know, but we need people to tell those stories because we're making it seem as if, um, you know, getting out of getting out of Egypt is easy and it's not. It's not, it's going to cost you something, you know, and, and I don't know that we have enough people telling those stories to create a different type of intimacy.
[01:06:35] Erika Straub: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I, I so hear you on that. It's a uncomfortable either way, either way you pick what kind of pain you want to face in this life. Exactly. And that, that is the thing I, I think about a lot too of like, you know, I really feel pulled to move overseas and there's always been the like, but then what if I don't love it?
[01:07:01] Dayka Robinson: I spend a lot of time in Morocco and I'm like, in Morocco and Spain and I'm like, but what if I don't, what if it's fine for vacation, but I don't like living there, but I don't da da da. And it's like, there's one thing I always go back to. If I lived, you know, 80, 90 years, however long, I would be really disappointed in myself that I came up with excuse after excuse and didn't do it.
[01:07:23] But then I'm like, well, if I sell my house, and what if I don't have a place to come back to and da, da, da? What do you believe? Mm. Full circle moment right there. What do you believe? Yeah. Yeah. Do you believe that? And here's the thing, what I know about my life and how things go, it's not gonna turn out how you think.
[01:07:40] It's not. It never does. Something else will be waiting that you can't even imagine right now. It's scarier not speaking. I like to go places where I don't speak the language, not speaking the language, not having family, friends, all these kind of things. But like, do you want to go meet the legend? Do you want to go meet the call, the thing that is coming up from in your soul?
[01:08:05] Or do you want to, you know, continue to sit here and, you know, I mean, I hate to say make excuses because it sounds so, I feel like it sounds so like, um, like Navy SEAL tough guy, make excuses or do, but I'm just, at some point we got to get down to the nitty gritty of like, you know, do you want to do this or not?
[01:08:25] So, you know, I'm in a different season where I'm caretaking for my mom or caregiving for my mom and stuff. But, you know, when at some point she will pass and, you know, Um, uh, you know, and then there will be that, hopefully, I will be alive and, you know, then there will be the next season. What does that look like for you?
[01:08:43] Okay, well, now this is starting to, again, just kind of help me be clear about what the next. stages will look like, you know. I, I hope that we all have the bravery to go into the mystery because there's so much there, so much there. Um, there's so many places I could keep going with you and I think we could probably talk.
[01:09:08] Erika Straub: For hours on hours and hours, the Pisces Aquarius piece is, I want to dig into that more. Yeah, yeah. There's so much there, but before we close, I do just want to, um, give you the chance to share with people where they can find you and follow your work and what you're offering to the world right now. Oh yeah, so you can find me at DaykaRobinson.
[01:09:30] Dayka Robinson: com, D A Y K A, pretty much everything is under my first and last name. Um, in terms of offers, I have intention bracelets that I mentioned earlier, my, my gold intention bracelets. Let's see, which ones are they? This one and this one. So I have that that you'll be able to find. And then I also have, um, a magazine that I made a couple of years ago, and it is.
[01:09:58] It'll give you kind of a good idea about like my ecosystem, my vibe, I think one of the most important things about my work is just that, you know, I, I can't fix you, I can't, this is really just a process of I always say kind of pulling the thread getting in there and you just start to pull it and see where the thing goes, but kind of what my, what my beliefs are in the, um, You know, being able to even see in the magazine like connecting with women who have answered these calls within one is childless another one met a partner in Morocco and started a whole business and has been there for almost 20 years and another one teaches France and.
[01:10:36] Dubai. I mean, teaches French, excuse me, in Dubai. And I think she was in Lebanon. So just very cool stories about women doing really cool shit. Um, and the other thing that I have up now is a guide, a four step guide to creating your values, which of course we talked a lot about today. So that's digital.
[01:10:56] It's available on my site. Um, and yeah, that's it. We'll make sure to link all of those so that everyone has access to that. And I just want to thank you for this phenomenal conversation. Like mind blown many times, like we said, I'm going to have a lot to just sit back and chew on. And I imagine I'm going to come back to you and be like, tell me more about this.
[01:11:21] Erika Straub: What are you sitting with? Um, but really, I just so appreciate your wisdom. And you really are a thought leader in this space. And it's just, I feel amplified by sitting with you and having this conversation and I'm sure everyone else will feel that too. So I just want to honor you for just the sacred work that you're doing.
[01:11:44] Dayka Robinson: Yeah, so much. That means a lot. And I'm really glad that we connected and definitely feels, um, I think I said this, uh, yesterday or a couple of days ago, definitely feels synergistic. Um, and that is always the goal that in every, in every arena that when Um, and I think it's really important that when the two are coming together that it can create more than the, you know, than the, whatever it is, the sum of its parts or something like that.
[01:12:11] So, yeah, great talking to you. And yeah, thanks for having me.